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San Francisco Dreams (BWWM Billionaire Romance), by Shontelle

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Cassie has just moved to San Francisco with hopes of raising capital for her fledgling startup. Having grown up in poverty, she's determined to make it in Silicon Valley - she's set on taking her company all the way to a multi-million dollar exit. Love is the last thing on her mind. But soon she finds herself being pursued by two handsome men who couldn't be more different... Matt lives a modest life, runs a non-profit focused on helping poor kids in developing countries, and is determined to make the world a better place. Alex is a billionaire co-founder of one of the biggest social networks in the world and the hottest bachelor in town... And his lifestyle is anything but modest. Cassie knows that she has to make a choice. Who would you choose?

San Francisco Dreams (BWWM Billionaire Romance), by Shontelle

  • Amazon Sales Rank: #848124 in eBooks
  • Published on: 2015-10-25
  • Released on: 2015-10-25
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Tartuffe and Other Plays (Signet Classics), by Jean-Baptiste Moliere

Tartuffe and Other Plays (Signet Classics), by Jean-Baptiste Moliere

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Tartuffe and Other Plays (Signet Classics), by Jean-Baptiste Moliere

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The Ridiculous Precieuses * The School for Husbands * The School for Wives * The Critique of the School for Wives * The Versailles Impromptu * Tartuffe * Don JuanThis memorable collection gathers the plays of the great social satirist and playwright Molière, representing the many facets of his genius and offering a superb introduction to the comic inventiveness, richness of prose, and insight that make up Molière’s enduring legacy to theater, literature, and the world.Translated and with an Introduction by Donald M. Frame, a Foreword by Virginia Scott, and a New Afterword

Tartuffe and Other Plays (Signet Classics), by Jean-Baptiste Moliere

  • Amazon Sales Rank: #2201486 in Books
  • Brand: Moliere, Jean-baptiste/ Frame, Donald M. (TRN)/ Scott, Virginia (FRW)
  • Published on: 2015-07-07
  • Released on: 2015-07-07
  • Original language: English
  • Number of items: 1
  • Dimensions: 6.81" h x 1.06" w x 4.25" l, 1.00 pounds
  • Binding: Mass Market Paperback
  • 448 pages
Tartuffe and Other Plays (Signet Classics), by Jean-Baptiste Moliere

Review “Molière is probably the greatest and best-loved French author, and comic author, who ever lived. To the reader as well as the spectator, today as well as three centuries ago, the appeal of his plays is immediate and durable; they are both distinctly accessible and inexhaustible.”—Professor Donald M. Frame

About the Author Molière, born Jean-Baptiste Poquelin in1622, began his career as an actor before becoming a playwright who specialized in satirizing the institutions and morals of his day. In 1658, his theater company settled in Paris in the Théâter du Petit-Bourbon. The object of fierce attack because of such masterpieces as Tartuffe and Don Juan, Molière nonetheless won the favor of the public. In 1665, his company became the King’s Troupe, and the following year saw the staging of The Misanthrope, as well as The Doctor in Spite of Himself. In 1668, he produced his bitterly comic The Miser and, in the remaining years before his death, created such plays as The Would-Be Gentleman, The Mischievous Machinations of Scapin, and The Learned Women. In 1673, Molière collapsed onstage while performing his last play, The Imaginary Invalid, and died shortly thereafter.Donald M. Frame was Moore Professor of French at Columbia University and an acclaimed scholar and translator of French literature. Among his notable works of translation are The Complete Essays of Montaigne, The Complete Works of Rabelais, and the Signet Classics Tartuffe & Other Plays and Candide, Zadig, and Selected Stories.Virginia Scott is Professor Emerita in the Department of Theater of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. She is the author of Moliére: A Theatrical Life, The Commedia Dell’Arte in Paris, and Performance, Poetry and Politics on the Queen’s Day: Catherine de Medici and Pierre de Ronsard at Fontainebleau (with Sara Sturm-Maddox).

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

TITLE PAGE

COPYRIGHT

INTRODUCTION

SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY

Introduction

 

Molière is probably the greatest and best-loved French author, and comic author, who ever lived. To the reader as well as the spectator, today as well as three centuries ago, the appeal of his plays is immediate and durable; they are both instantly accessible and inexhaustible. His rich resources make it hard to decide, much less to agree, on the secret of his greatness. After generations had seen him mainly as a moralist, many critics today have shifted the stress to the director and actor whose life was the comic stage; but all ages have rejoiced in three somewhat overlapping qualities of his: comic inventiveness, richness of fabric, and insight.

His inventiveness is extraordinary. An actor-manager-director-playwright all in one, he knew and loved the stage as few have done, and wrote with it and his playgoing public always in mind. In a medium in which sustained power is one of the rarest virtues, he drew on the widest imaginable range, from the broadest slapstick to the subtlest irony, to carry out the arduous and underrated task of keeping an audience amused for five whole acts. Working usually under great pressure of time, he took his materials where he found them, yet always made them his own.

The fabric of his plays is rich in many ways: in the intense life he infuses into his characters; in his constant preoccupation with the comic mask, which makes most of his protagonists themselves—consciously or unconsciously—play a part, and leads to rich comedy when their nature forces them to drop the mask; and in the weight of seriousness and even poignancy that he dares to include in his comic vision. Again and again he leads us from the enjoyable but shallow reaction of laughing at a fool to recognizing in that fool others whom we know, and ultimately ourselves; which is surely the truest and deepest comic catharsis.

Molière’s insight makes his characters understandable and gives a memorable inevitability to his comic effects. He is seldom completely realistic, of course; his characters, for example, tend to give themselves away more generously and laughably than is customary in life; but it is their true selves they give away. It is an obvious trick, and not very realistic, to have Orgon in Tartuffe (Act I, scene 4) reply four times to the account of his wife’s illness with the question “And Tartuffe?” and reply, again four times, to each report of Tartuffe’s gross health and appetite, “Poor fellow!” But it shows us, rapidly and comically, that Orgon’s obsession has closed his mind and his ears to anything but what he wants to see and hear. In the following scene, it may be unrealistic to have him in one speech (ll. 276–79) boast of learning from Tartuffe such detachment from worldly things that he could see his whole family die without concern, and in the very next speech (ll. 306–10) praise Tartuffe for the scrupulousness that led him to reproach himself for killing a flea in too much anger. But—again apart from the sheer comedy—it is a telling commentary on the distortion of values that can come from extreme points of view. One of Molière’s favorite authors, Montaigne, had written about victims of moral hubris: “They want to get out of themselves and escape from the man. That is madness: instead of changing into angels, they change into beasts.” Molière is presenting the same idea dramatically, as he does with even more power later (Act IV, scene 3, l. 1293), when Orgon’s daughter has implored him not to force her to marry the repulsive Tartuffe, and he summons his will to resist her with these words:

Be firm, my heart! No human weakness now!

These moments of truth, these flashes of unconscious self-revelation that plunge us into the very center of an obsession, abound in Molière, adding to our insight even as they reveal his. And even as he caricatures aspects of himself in the reforming Alceste or in the jealous older lover in Arnolphe, so he imparts to his moments of truth not only the individuality of the particular obsession but also the universality of our common share in it.

*   *   *

Molière is one of those widely known public figures whose private life remains veiled. In his own time gossip was rife, but much of it comes from his enemies and is suspect. Our chief other source is his plays; but while these hint at his major concerns and lines of meditation, we must beware of reading them like avowals or his roles like disguised autobiography.*

He was born Jean-Baptiste Poquelin in Paris early in 1622 and baptized on January 15, the first son of a well-to-do bourgeois dealer in tapestry and upholstery. In 1631 his father bought the position of valet de chambre tapissier ordinaire du roi, and six years later obtained the right to pass it on at his own death to his oldest son, who took the appropriate “oath of office” at the age of fifteen. Together with many sons of the best families, Jean-Baptiste received an excellent education from the Jesuit Fathers of the Collège de Clermont. He probably continued beyond the basic course in rhetoric to two years of philosophy and then law school, presumably at Orléans.

Suddenly, as it appears to us, just as he was reaching twenty-one, he resigned his survival rights to his father’s court position, and with them the whole future that lay ahead of him; drew his share in the estate of his dead mother and a part of his own prospective inheritance; and six months later joined in forming, with and around Madeleine Béjart, a dramatic company, the Illustre-Théâtre. In September 1643 they rented a court-tennis court to perform in; in October they played in Rouen; in January 1644 they opened in Paris; in June young Poquelin was named head of the troupe, and signed himself, for the first time we know of, “de Molière.”

Molière’s was an extraordinary decision. Apart from the financial hazards, his new profession stood little above pimping or stealing in the public eye and automatically involved minor excommunication from the Church. To write for the theater, especially tragedy, carried no great onus; to be an actor, especially in comedy and farce, was a proof of immorality. Though Richelieu’s passion for the stage had improved its prestige somewhat, this meant only that a few voices were raised to maintain its possible innocence against the condemnation of the vast majority.

Obviously young Molière was in love with the theater, and had to act. He may also have been already in love with Madeleine Béjart; their contemporaries were probably right in thinking them lovers, though all we actually know is that they were stanch colleagues and business partners. Their loyalty was tested from the first. Although the Béjarts raised all the money they could, after a year and a half in Paris the company failed and had to break up; Molière was twice imprisoned in the Châtelet for debt; he and the Béjarts left Paris to try their luck in the provinces. For twelve years they were on the road, mainly in the south.

For the first five of these they joined the company, headed by Du Fresne, of the Duc d’Épernon in Guyenne. When d’Épernon dropped them, Molière became head of the troupe. From 1653 to 1657 they were in the service of a great prince of the blood, the Prince de Conti, until his conversion. Even with a noble patron, the life was nomadic and precarious, and engagements hard to get. However, the company gradually made a name for itself and prospered. Molière gained a rich firsthand knowledge of life on many levels. In the last few years of their wanderings he tried his hand as a playwright with such plays as L’Étourdi and Le Dépit amoureux.

At last in 1658 they obtained another chance to play in the capital. On October 24 they appeared before young Louis XIV, his brother, and the court, in the guard room of the old Louvre, in a performance of Corneille’s tragedy Nicomède, which Molière followed with his own comedy The Doctor in Love. Soon they became the Troupe de Monsieur (the King’s brother) and were installed by royal order in the Théâtre du Petit-Bourbon. Though they still performed tragedies, they succeeded more and more in comedy, in which Molière was on his way to recognition as the greatest actor of his time.

Within a year he made his mark also as a playwright with The Ridiculous Précieuses (November 18, 1659), which, though little more than a sketch, bore the stamp of his originality, keen observation, and rich comic inventiveness.* Nearly thirty-eight, Molière was to have thirteen more years to live, and was to live them as though he knew this was all. To his responsibilities as director and actor he added a hectic but glorious career as a very productive playwright, author of thirty-two comedies that we know, of which a good third are among the comic masterpieces of world literature. The stress of his many roles, of deadlines, and of controversy is well depicted in The Versailles Impromptu. Success led to success—and often to more controversy—but never to respite. He was to be carried off the stage to his deathbed. No doubt he wanted it that way, or almost that way; for probably no man has ever been more possessed by the theater.

On February 20, 1662, at the age of forty, he married the twenty-year-old Armande Béjart, a daughter (according to the mostly spiteful contemporaries) or sister (according to the official documents) of Madeleine. Though what we know of their domestic life is almost nothing, contemporary gossip, a friend’s letter, and Molière’s own preoccupation in several plays with a jealous older man in love with a flighty young charmer, combine to suggest an uneasy relationship. They had two sons who died in infancy and a daughter who survived. The King himself and his sister-in-law (Madame) were godfather and godmother to the first boy—no doubt to defend Molière against a charge, or rumor, that he had married his own daughter.

When the Petit-Bourbon theater was torn down in October 1660 to make way for the new façade of the Louvre, things looked bad; but the King granted the company the use of Richelieu’s great theater, the Palais-Royal, which remained Molière’s until his death. An early success there was his regular, elaborate verse comedy, The School for Husbands. Within a year of his marriage he wrote his first great play and one of his most popular, The School for Wives. It aroused much controversy; when Molière published it, he dedicated it to Madame; the King gave him the support he sought in the form of a pension of one thousand francs for this “excellent comic poet.” The Critique of the School for Wives and The Versailles Impromptu (June and October 1663) completed Molière’s victory in the eyes of the public.

However, his attack on extreme piety and hypocrisy in Tartuffe showed him the strength of his enemies. The first three-act version, performed in May 1664, was promptly banned. For the next five years much of his time and energy went into the fight to get it played: petitions, private readings, revisions, private performances. In August 1667 a five-act version entitled The Impostor was allowed a second public performance—then also banned. Only in February 1669 was the version that we know put on, with enormous success; and this time it was on the program to stay.

Meanwhile Molière had hit back at his enemies in 1665 in Don Juan, which he soon withdrew. In August of that year his company became The King’s Troupe, and his pension was raised to six thousand francs. A year later he completed his greatest and most complex play, The Misanthrope, which met only a modest success, and the light but brilliant farce that often served as a companion piece, The Doctor in Spite of Himself. In 1668 he displayed the bitter comic profundities of The Miser; and in the last four years of his life—still to mention only his finest plays—The Would-Be Gentleman, The Mischievous Machinations of Scapin, The Learned Women, and The Imaginary Invalid.

Molière’s last seven years were dogged by pulmonary illness. A bad bout in early 1666 and another in 1667 led him to accept a milk diet and spend much of the next four years apart from his wife in his house in Auteuil. The year before his own death saw those of his old friend Madeleine Béjart and later of his second son. As his health grew worse, he composed—characteristically—his final gay comedy about a healthy hypochondriac. Before its fourth performance, on February 17, 1673, he felt very ill; his wife and one of his actors urged him not to play that evening; he replied that the whole company depended a lot on him and that it was a point of honor to go on. He got through his part, in spite of one violent fit of coughing. A few hours later he was dead. Since he had not been able, while dying, to get a priest to come and receive his formal renunciation of his profession, a regular religious burial was denied at first, and later grudgingly granted—at night, with no notice, ceremony, or service—only after his widow’s plea to the King. He died and was buried as he had lived—as an actor.

*   *   *

Translations of Molière abound. Two of the most available, both complete, are by H. Baker and J. Miller (1739) and Henri Van Laun (1875–76). The former is satisfactory, but its eighteenth-century flavor is not always Molière’s; the latter is dull. Better for the modern reader are the versions of selected plays by John Wood (1953 and 1959), George Graveley (1956), and especially three others.

Curtis Hidden Page has translated eight well-chosen plays (Putnam, 1908, 2 vols.) which include three verse comedies done into unrhymed verse. Though it sometimes lacks sparkle, his version is always intelligent and responsible.

Morris Bishop’s recent translation of nine plays (one for Crofts Classics, 1950, eight for Modern Library, 1957) is much the best we have for all but two. His excellent selection includes six in prose (Précieuses, Critique, Impromptu, Physician in Spite of Himself, Would-Be Gentleman, Would-Be Invalid) and three done into unrhymed verse (School for Wives, Tartuffe, Misanthrope). His knowledge of Molière and talent for comic verse make his translation lively and racy, and his occasional liberties are usually well taken.

Richard Wilbur has translated Molière’s two greatest verse plays, The Misanthrope and Tartuffe, into rhymed verse (Harcourt, Brace, & World, Inc., 1955 and 1963). They are the best Molière we have in English. My sense of their excellence is perhaps best stated personally. I have long wanted to try my hand at translating Molière. When the Wilbur Misanthrope appeared, I decided not to attempt it unless I thought I would do that play either better or at least quite differently. When I finally tried it, I was surprised to find how different I wanted to make it. Wilbur’s end product is superb; but in his Misanthrope I sometimes miss the accents of Molière.* His Tartuffe seems to me clearly better, since it follows the original closely even in detail. Both are beautiful translations. Again and again my quest for sense and for rhymes has led me to the same solution that Wilbur found earlier.

The question whether foreign rhyme should be translated into English rhyme has been often debated and seems to me infinitely debatable. I think a different answer may be appropriate for each poet, and perhaps for each translator. Page explains his rejection of rhyme as something unnatural to good English dramatic verse; but he also recognizes that he often found it harder to avoid rhyme than to use it, and that unrhymed verse is more difficult than rhymed to write well. I think this last point explains my disappointment at some of his and Bishop’s lines. Against the point that rhymed dramatic verse is not natural in English, I would argue that it seems to me almost necessary for Molière. Wilbur has made the case brilliantly in his introduction to The Misanthrope, pointing to certain specific effects—mock tragedy, “musical” poetic relationships of words, even the redundancy and logic of the argument—which demand rhyme. In my opinion, rhyme affects what Molière says as well as the way he says it enough to make it worthwhile to use it in English, and the loss in precision need not be great.

Fidelity in meter, however, seems clearly to mean putting Molière’s alexandrines into English iambic pentameter, and, although allowing some liberties with syllable-count as natural to English, holding rather closely to the precise count that the practice of Molière’s day demanded. However, this reduction in length, while translating (which normally lengthens) even from French into English (which normally shortens), often forces the translator to choose between Molière’s ever-recurring initial “and’s” (and occasional “but’s”) and some key word in the same line. I have usually chosen to retain the key word; but at times I deliberately have not, for fear of losing too much of Molière’s generally easy flow and making him too constipated and sententious.

Molière’s characteristic language is plain, correct, functional, often argumentative, not slangy but conversational. Since in French—despite many savory archaisms—he does not generally strike the modern reader as at all archaic, he should not in English. For most of his writing, verse and prose, I have sought an English that is familiar and acceptable today but not obviously anachronistic.

However, there is much truth in Mornet’s statement that Molière is one of the few great writers who has no style, but rather all the styles of all his characters. The departures from the norm noted above are as common as the norm itself. The earthy talk of peasants and servants is in constant (and sometimes direct) contrast with the lofty affectation of bluestockings and précieuses and the pomposity of pedants; manner as well as matter distinguish a Don Juan from a Sganarelle, Lucile and Cléonte from Nicole and Covielle; Alceste’s explosiveness colors his language and enhances his opposition to Philinte; Charlotte even speaks better French to Don Juan than to her peasant swain Pierrot. To render this infinite variety the translator must call to his aid all the resources of his language—anachronistic or not—that he can command.

A special problem is that of dialect, as in Don Juan and The Doctor in Spite of Himself. To the dialect of the Île de France that Molière uses, familiar to his audience, I see no satisfactory equivalent in English. Since part of the dialect humor rests on bad grammar (“j’avons” and the like) and rustic oaths, I have tried to suggest this by similar, mainly countrified, lapses and exclamations.

My aim, in short, has been to put Molière as faithfully as I could into modern English, hewing close to his exact meaning and keeping all I could of his form and his verve.

*   *   *

The edition I have mainly relied on for this translation is that of Molière’s Œuvres by Eugène Despois and Paul Mesnard (Paris: Hachette, 1873–1900, 14 vols.). I have followed the standard stage directions and division of the play into scenes. The stage directions do not normally indicate entrances and exits as such, since in the French tradition these are shown in print by a change of scenes and signalized only in that way.

*   *   *

I should like to acknowledge three debts: to earlier translators, especially Page, Bishop, and Wilbur; to Sanford R. Kadet for his thorough reading of the Tartuffe and valuable suggestions; and, as always, to my wife, Katharine M. Frame, for her ready and critical ear and her unfailing encouragement.

—Donald M. Frame

Foreword

 

Molière is the most popular French playwright in the United States, the most frequently translated and produced. In fact, Molière’s may be the only French plays many Americans will ever read or see performed onstage. Although written more than 325 years ago, his thirty-three farces, comedies, satires, and court entertainments include plays that are not only fresh and funny but marked by trenchant and still relevant observations about human nature and human foibles. His great subjects are the gender and marital wars, middle-class alienation, the gullibility of man faced with disease and death, and—often seen by theater producers as most applicable to us today—the malignancy of religious hypocrisy.

The playwright and actor who was to rename himself Sieur de Molière was baptized Jean-Baptiste Poquelin in Paris on January 15, 1622. Although his father, Jean Poquelin, was a middle-class merchant and member of the guild of upholsterers, Jean-Baptiste was given the education of a young gentleman. He attended the most prestigious school in Paris, the Collège de Clermont, a Jesuit institution on the Left Bank where noble and even royal children were sent to learn classical languages and the arts of speaking and writing. From there he may have gone to Orléans to study law—or his father may have bought him a degree. It would seem that the ambitious father wanted something more for his son than an apartment over a shop. Law was the way in which middle-class men prepared themselves for offices in the state bureaucracies, eventually becoming “nobles of the robe.” So, Clermont, the law, and tomorrow the world.

Fate in the guise of a red-haired actress named Madeleine intervened. Madeleine Béjart was four years older than Jean-Baptiste Poquelin. She, too, came from a bourgeois background, but at the age of seventeen, Madeleine had herself “emancipated,” that is, declared free of the control of her parents, and became the mistress of a nobleman, the count of Modène. The novelist Georges de Scudéry described her as an actress as “one of the best of the century who had the power to inspire in reality all the feigned passions that are seen on the stage.” She certainly inspired passion in young Poquelin.

In June 1643, Jean-Baptiste along with Madeleine, her brother, and seven others signed a contract establishing themselves as the Illustrious Theater. According to their agreement, the heroes were to be played by Poquelin, Joseph Béjart, and one other, while Madeleine was to choose whatever roles she wanted. The theater opened on New Year’s Day 1644 in a converted tennis court on the Left Bank. It was not a success. Joseph Béjart stuttered, while Poquelin, who wanted desperately to be a tragic actor, lacked, according to Angelique du Croisy, whose parents were members of the troupe, “those external gifts” required to play princes and heroes. He had a short neck and slightly bowed legs and was, as a later critic noted, categorically comic. Only Madeleine was truly suited to play the tragic repertory that was all that mattered in the 1640s.

After the end of the Wars of Religion in 1594, professional traveling troupes gave public performances in Paris, but the first permanent troupe was established there only in 1629, and theater was still in its early days when the Illustrious Theater tried to make a place for itself. In 1644, there were two “official” troupes approved by Louis XIII: the King’s Actors at the Hôtel de Bourgogne and the Royal Troupe at the Théâtre du Marais. The Illustrious Théâtre had the protection of Gaston d’Orléans, Louis XIII’s brother, although his patronage did not extend to the financial assistance that was so desperately needed.

The young actors hung on somehow, falling further and further behind, until July 1645, when Jean-Baptiste Poquelin—now calling himself Molière—found himself in debtors’ prison. Once released, he left Paris with Madeleine and joined a provincial troupe led by Charles Dufresne. The long exile had begun.

Many biographers and critics have suggested that Molière changed his name in order to spare his family the embarrassment of being related to an actor. In fact, most actors adopted stage names, usually taken from nature or from a geographical location—du Parc, de la Grange, de Montfleury, de Brie—all of which allowed the actor or actress to use the particule, the “de” that indicates upper-class origin. No one was fooled by this obvious fiction, but actors, who were mostly from the artisan class or from theatrical families, liked to match their noble names to their noble roles. And perhaps this convention made it easier for them to accept their status as people whose profession meant exclusion from society and excommunication from the Church.

For thirteen years, Molière performed in the provinces of France. By 1653 the company was known as the troupe of Molière and Mlle. Béjart. In that same year, the prince de Conti, fifth in line for the French throne, became Molière’s patron and friend. The stagestruck prince enjoyed strolling in his park at Pézenas with the actor, discussing plays and reading choice passages aloud.

Like most French theatergoers of his time, Molière was entranced by the antics of the Italian actors of the Commedia dell’Arte, whose improvised comic entertainments were seen both in Paris and throughout the country, and his first efforts as a playwright were French versions of several farces from the Italian repertory. In 1655 he wrote his first full-length play, L’Étourdi (The Simpleton). A year later he added Le Dépit amoureux (The Vexation of Love) to his repertory. Both are workmanlike farces based on Italian models with excellent roles for comic actors, especially for Molière himself, who had begun to specialize in playing a clever servant named Mascarille.

In this same year, the prince de Conti, suffering from the symptoms of syphilis, noisily reformed his life. He became zealously pious and dismissed the actors that “used to bear his name.” From that time on, he was an implacable enemy of the theater, part of the devout party at court that would cause his former “friend” such extreme distress. However, the critic Chappeauzeau had written of the troupe that, although itinerant, it was “ordinarily just as good as that of the Hôtel [de Bourgogne].” If this were true, then perhaps it was time for Molière and his companions to test the waters in Paris. On October 24, 1658, a tryout was arranged by Louis XIV’s younger brother, Philippe d’Orleans, known as Monsieur, and although the tragedy was not a success, a little farce by Molière called Le Docteur amoureux (The Amorous Doctor) saved the day.

The king awarded the Troupe of Monsieur the right to share with an Italian Commedia dell’Arte company a royal theater known as the Petit-Bourbon. The troupe of ten that began to play there on November 2, 1658, was celebrated for Molière, its farceur, and for its three beautiful actresses, Madeleine Béjart, Catherine de Brie, and Marquise du Parc, but it lacked a young leading man to play lovers and heroes. Its initial repertory of tragedies by Corneille failed to please, but matters improved when Molière’s two comic plays were introduced.

Paris was ready to laugh. In the late 1630s, farce had been largely driven from the stage by reformers led by Cardinal Richelieu. The most successful comic playwright of the 1640s and 1650s was Paul Scarron, who wrote primarily for an actor named Julian Bedeau, known as Jodelet. Molière announced a new direction for his troupe when he lured Jodelet away from the Marais. To welcome the old farceur, Molière wrote a new afterpiece, a short comic play to follow the main tragedy or comedy. Starring Molière as Mascarille and Bedeau as Jodelet, The Ridiculous Précieuses was accused of being nothing but a trifle, a miserable farce that was all Molière and his troupe were capable of staging. In one sense the attackers were right. The Ridiculous Précieuses is, according to seventeenth-century definitions, a farce in most ways. It is short and written in prose, it has middle-class provincials and servants for its characters, and it ends with indecency and violence. Like the farces performed on the same stage by the Italians, it features stock characters: one played in white face, the other in a black mask. On the other hand, it savagely mocks the language and manners of certain pretentious upper-class Parisian women and members of the complacent literary establishment. Its intention is not just to amuse but to condemn and correct, and its targets were only too aware that that “actor,” that “farceur” had dared to declare himself a serious, satirical voice. It was a solid hit.

Another actor joined the troupe after Easter of 1659. He was a young leading man named Charles Varlet de la Grange, and his presence made it possible to offer comedies with romantic intrigues. Romantic intrigue was also in the offing for Molière. Although he and Madeleine had been together for many years, they had never married. Now Molière was involved with seventeen-year-old Armande Béjart, possibly Madeleine’s younger sister, probably her daughter, whom he would marry in 1662.

La Grange’s presence in the company, and Molière’s own preoccupations, may have influenced the creation of a series of plays dealing with marriage, jealousy, and cuckoldry: The Imaginary Cuckold (1660), Don Garcie of Navarre (1661), The School for Husbands (1661), and The School for Wives (1662). The first was another afterpiece, the second a poetic failure. The third and especially the fourth introduced Molière’s great character comedies. The School for Wives was an enormous success and the cause of a notorious literary quarrel.

Molière had marriage on his mind in the spring of 1661 when he was writing The School for Husbands. His role was Sganarelle, a rich, conservative Parisian bourgeois who is about to marry Isabelle, his much younger ward, whom he keeps in near seclusion. His brother, Ariste, has charge of Isabelle’s sister, Léonor, but is far more liberal in his outlook. In his view, there is nothing wrong with dances and parties; “the school of the world teaches better than any book.” Isabelle has caught the eye of a young neighbor Valère—the first of La Grange’s seductive lovers—and gladly collaborates with him to betray Sganarelle. The two brothers are a study in contrasts: the one attuned to the new society of the young reign of Louis XIV, the other with a precarious hold on a world that is slipping away, where women are property whose value depends on their chastity. The women also differ. Léonor is straightforward and ready to engage in a reasonable marriage with her “good old man,” while Isabelle is a practiced trickster who, seeing her choice narrowed to “Valère or despair,” seizes on a strategy of deceit to escape Sganarelle’s repressive ideal.

The School for Husbands is not a farce. It is in form a regular comedy, set on a Paris street following the Roman model. It is in three acts, not five, but it follows the unities of time and place, is written in verse, and is without any farce interludes or physical action. Its successor, The School for Wives, which opened in December 1662, is similar in form. The action takes place in less than twenty-four hours and is set on a street in a provincial city. It is in five acts and in verse, with farce interludes played by the servants. The School for Wives is, however, a far more complex and subtle play than its predecessor.

Between the two plays a number of important events happened. The company was put out of its theater at the Petit-Bourbon, but its members were granted use of another royal theater at the Palais-Royal. Molière wrote his first play on command, Les Fâcheux, commissioned by Superintendent of Finances Nicolas Fouquet for a festival meant to impress his magnificence on the young king. A disaster for Fouquet, whose career ended when Louis realized the extent of his probable misappropriation of state funds, the fête at Vaux-le-Vicomte put Molière on the road to royal favor. Finally, Molière married Armande Béjart on February 20, 1662, and she, now known as Mlle. Molière, joined the troupe. He was forty; she was about twenty.

The scandal of the marriage—had Molière married his own daughter, as some would claim?—magnified the scandal of the play School for Wives. Opening in time for the Christmas season of 1662 and the carnival of 1663, The School for Wives had thirty-one performances before the Easter break and another thirty-two after it was joined by its Critique on June 1. It was Molière’s first enormous hit and has remained one of his most popular plays. The Comédie-Française, France’s state theater, has played The School for Wives 1,593 times between its founding in 1680 and the turn of the millennium in 1999.

The play introduces Arnolphe, a rich provincial bourgeois, who has an obsessive fear of being betrayed sexually. In order to ensure his piece of mind, Arnolphe has bought a female child and has had her raised in extreme seclusion in a convent. He then brings the innocent Agnès to a second house he owns, away from his normal social activity, and prepares to marry her. Agnès is, of course, soon spotted on the balcony by Horace, an unpracticed seducer whose intentions are more or less honorable. In the end, the young lovers prevail over Arnolphe, whose final strangled “ouf” as he leaves the stage signals the defeat of his elaborate scheme to create for himself a marriage in which he has complete empire over his browbeaten bride.

Arnolphe is a far more complex character than Sganarelle, however. He is a little old-fashioned, to be sure, but he is friendly, generous, and socially ambitious. A bit of a libertine himself, he knows what young men want. And unlike Sganarelle, he makes the mistake of falling deeply in love with his charge, which sends him into a state of extreme sexual jealousy. Agnès is also more interesting than Isabelle. Bitterly aware of her lack of education and social savvy, she, too, learns quickly how to deceive her watchful guardian and, in the end, rejects his idea of marriage as “vexatious” and “painful” and opts for the pleasures offered by Horace, especially that little “je ne sais quoi” deep inside.

It was Molière himself who established the terms of what we call the quarrel of The School for Wives when he wrote an afterpiece, The Critique of the School for Wives. Opening on June 1, 1663, the Critique takes place in a Parisian drawing room where pedants, society women, and one reasonable fellow debate the merits of the play and argue about such lines as the servant Alain’s famous declaration to his wife that “woman is the soup of man.” The Marquis objects that the play cannot be good since the common people in the audience laughed at it, while the writer Lysidas argues that it sins against all the rules of art. It was this afterpiece—which doubled the run of the main piece—that actually prompted a flood of pamphlets and plays. Critics protested the play’s sexual innuendos and irreverent religious references, although the true incentive to attack it may have been its success, which frightened the actors at the Hôtel de Bourgogne. Molière also included a rather obvious joke at the expense of Pierre Corneille’s brother, Thomas, and the Corneilles unleashed their protégé Boursault whose personal attack on Molière, The Portrait of the Painter, was staged by the Hôtel.

Molière responded to the barrage with The Impromptu at Versailles, which joined the repertory on October 18. In this fascinating short play, Molière and the members of his troupe play themselves. He burlesques the king’s actors, especially the obese Montfleury, who played kings and noble heroes, tries to rehearse his distracted company, and finally announces the end of the quarrel, responding firmly to the personal attacks mounted in Boursault’s play and slyly suggesting that the real issue was that his play had made too much money.

Within months of the end of the commotion over The School for Wives, Molière was embroiled in another controversy, one that would change him and his work forever. In May 1664, as part of an elaborate festival at Versailles, Molière presented three acts of a new play entitled The Hypocrite, the first of several versions of Tartuffe. Further productions were immediately forbidden by the king. It would be nearly five years before the completed play would become Molière’s most successful and profitable comedy.

The battle for Tartuffe was not fought with pamphlets and plays but with trips to court and petitions to the king. On the one side, Molière insisted that his targets were not the Church and the truly pious but only the hypocrites who used religion to their own advantage; on the other, socially conservative fundamentalists known as les dévots used all their influence to keep the play off the stage. Retitled The Imposter and with the central character, now called Panulphe, recostumed as a fashionable Parisian, the play opened in Paris in August 1667, and was closed by the president of the Parlement after one performance. In addition, the archbishop of Paris promised to excommunicate anyone who saw it or even read it. Why the king finally permitted it to be performed in February 1669 is not clear, but after five years of scandal, all Paris rushed to see it.

In the meantime Molière wrote a second attack on hypocrisy: Don Juan, or The Stone Feast (widely translated as The Stone Guest.) The most baroque of his plays and a modern favorite, Don Juan was allowed to run for fifteen performances between Mardi Gras and the Lenten closing in 1565, although it was censored after the first night and the actors were forced to donate part of their profits to the Capuchin friars. After the Easter break, the play did not reopen. It was not published until the complete works of Molière appeared in 1682, and then it was further censored. Its next appearance on the Paris stage was in 1841.

One would think that Don Juan, who believes only that two and two are four and who chooses hypocrisy as the way to thrive in a noble world of codes and masks, would have been found more offensive than the wily seducer Tartuffe. Perhaps he was, but because Don Juan was done only in Paris and the king never saw it, it was less noticed at court; or perhaps because it was so clearly meant as an indictment of Molière’s former patron, Conti, it found admirers in those who universally disliked the prince and disputed the sincerity of his conversion. In the long run, Don Juan suffered a more extreme fate than Tartuffe, but Molière was apparently less committed to it.

Molière played neither Tartuffe nor Don Juan. In Tartuffe his role was Orgon, the rich bourgeois dupe with the beautiful young wife lusted after by the hypocrite. In Don Juan he played Sganarelle, whose only connection to the Sganarelle of The School for Husbands is the costume. Here he is the valet of the hero, who tries with limited skills and from a worldview distorted by superstition to persuade his master to mend his ways. Sganarelle is a burlesque version of the private directors of conscience many noblemen, including Conti, employed to put them on the high road to salvation.

Molière was, of course, accused of being himself an atheist or, more reasonably, a “libertine,” a free thinker and a free liver. He probably was. His life was irregular, he was deeply sexual, and he had some questionable friends. And his constant protest that he was not targeting the Church is disingenuous. The fundamentalist wing of the Roman Catholic Church represented a danger to the rational and secular state that was developing in France in the early years of the personal reign of Louis XIV. Molière, educated by the more liberal Jesuits, had every reason to fear the power of the dévots and every reason to believe that the king did as well. He was right, eventually, but the struggle cost him. His almost personal relationship with the king was over, as perhaps was his sense of his own power to influence change. He became a cynical survivor.

After 1666 he was ill with the tuberculosis that would kill him. His marriage was troubled; his son was dead. He continued to write entertainments for the court and comedies for the Paris audience. In February 1673, during the fourth performance of his new play, The Imaginary Invalid, Molière had a hemorrhage onstage and died in his apartment on the rue de Richelieu a few hours later. His enemies almost had the last word when the local parish priest refused him Christian burial because he was an actor. The king intervened and Molière was escorted to his grave at night, silently, with torches and a crowd of hundreds. For them it was, as a friend wrote, a “farewell to laughter.”

—Virginia Scott

The Ridiculous Précieuses

THE RIDICULOUS PRÉCIEUSES

A prose comedy in seventeen scenes, first performed November 18, 1659, following Corneille’s tragedy Cinna, at the Théâtre du Petit-Bourbon, by Molière’s company, then under the patronage of the King’s brother and known as the Troupe de Monsieur. Molière played Mascarille. In the farce tradition, the characters had either stock names (Mascarille, Gorgibus), or the stage names of the actors who played them (La Grange, Du Croisy, the pale-faced Jodelet), or nicknames—Cathos (pronounced Cat-o) for Catherine de Brie, Magdelon (the g is silent) for Madeleine Béjart, Marotte for Marie Ragueneau. Molière’s success in the role almost led him to adopt “Mascarille” as a new stage name. Although some wounded précieuses succeeded in having the play momentarily banned, the second performance, only two weeks after the first, was triumphant.

This was Molière’s first big success as a writer. He was almost thirty-eight and had made the theater his life for over sixteen years: first in Paris (where he failed), then for over twelve years of growing success in the provinces, then in Paris again. At first mainly director-manager-actor, in the last several years he had written at least four plays. Now for the first time, without abandoning the stock resources of French farce and Italian commedia dell’ arte, he dared to rely mainly on his own gifts of observation, dialogue, and mimicry. The result is still essentially and frankly farce, but also shrewd and delightful caricature. There is a reality to these characters that is new, not only to Molière but to the French comic stage. Preciosity is Protean and timeless: Cathos and Magdelon, their costumes and mannerisms brought up to date, are as alive today as they were three centuries ago.

The preciosity of the time was a natural exaggeration of France’s seventeenth-century quest of elegance and refinement. It is marked already early in the century in Honoré d’Urfé’s best-selling pastoral novel, Astrée, later in the salon of Catherine, marquise de Rambouillet (“the incomparable Arthénice”), and more recently in the bluestocking salon and novels (Le Grand Cyrus, Clélie) of Madeleine de Scudéry. Many sober heads attacked it. Though Molière touches Mlle. de Scudéry in passing, he chooses a surer target, not the great précieuses themselves but two of their silly latter-day provincial imitators. Though there are touches of preciosity here and there in his own work, it was a natural target for his hatred of pretense, his earthiness, his robust love of life. Nothing could kill preciosity; Molière did much to make it a laughingstock.

THE RIDICULOUS PRÉCIEUSES

CHARACTERS

rebuffed suitors

LA GRANGE

DU CROISY

GORGIBUS, A MEMBER OF A GOOD BOURGEOIS FAMILY

MAGDELON, daughter of Gorgibus, a ridiculous précieuse

CATHOS, NIECE OF GORGIBUS, A RIDICULOUS PRÉCIEUSE

MAROTTE, maid of the ridiculous précieuses

ALMANZOR, LACKEY OF THE RIDICULOUS PRÉCIEUSES

THE MARQUIS DE MASCARILLE, valet of La Grange

THE VISCOUNT DE JODELET, VALET OF DU CROISY

TWO CHAIR-CARRIERS

NEIGHBORS

FIDDLERS

Scene 1. LA GRANGE, DU CROISY

DU CROISY. Seigneur La Grange . . .

LA GRANGE. What?

DU CROISY. Look at me for one moment without laughing.

LA GRANGE. Well?

DU CROISY. What do you think of our visit? Are you quite happy about it?

LA GRANGE. In your opinion, has either of us reason to be?

DU CROISY. Not completely, to tell the truth.

LA GRANGE. For my part, I admit I am thoroughly shocked. Tell me, did anyone ever see two cornfed country wenches put on more exaggerated airs than those two, or two men treated with more disdain than we were? They could hardly prevail upon themselves to have chairs brought for us. I have never seen so much whispering in one another’s ears as they put on, so much yawning, so much rubbing of their eyes, so much asking: “What time is it?” Did they answer any more than yes or no to anything we could say to them? And in short, won’t you admit that even if we had been the lowest people on earth, we couldn’t have been treated worse than we were?

DU CROISY. It seems to me you’re taking the matter much to heart.

LA GRANGE. Indeed I am, and so much so that I mean to take revenge on this impertinence. I know the thing that made them despise us. Preciosity has not merely infected Paris, it has also spread in the provinces, and these ridiculous snobs of ours have inhaled a good dose of it. In short, they are a strange concoction of précieuse and coquette. I see what you have to be in order for them to receive you well; and if you will follow my suggestion, we’ll put on a show for the two of them that will make them see their folly, and may teach them to know their way around a little better.

DU CROISY. And how do we do that?

LA GRANGE. I have a certain valet named Mascarille, who passes in many people’s opinion for a kind of wit; for there’s nothing cheaper than wit nowadays. He’s a real character, who has taken it into his head to insist on playing the man of quality. He has confirmed pretensions to gallantry and to writing poetry, and disdains the other valets to the point of calling them brutes.

DU CROISY. Well, what do you mean to do with him?

LA GRANGE. What do I mean to do? We must . . . But first let’s get out of here.

Scene 2. GORGIBUS, DU CROISY, LA GRANGE

GORGIBUS. Well! You’ve seen my niece and my daughter; how are things coming along? What’s the result of your visit?

LA GRANGE. That is something you can learn from them better than from us. All we can tell you is that we give you thanks for the favor you have done us, and remain your very humble servants.

GORGIBUS. Well, now! They seem to be leaving very dissatisfied. What can be the reason for their discontent? I must get some idea of what’s going on. Hey there!

Scene 3. MAROTTE, GORGIBUS

MAROTTE. What do you wish, sir?

GORGIBUS. Where are your mistresses?

MAROTTE. In their boudoir.

GORGIBUS. What are they doing?

MAROTTE. Making lip cream.

GORGIBUS. That’s too much creamery. Tell them to come down. (Exit MAROTTE.) Those hussies, with their lip cream, I think they want to ruin me. All I see around is whites of eggs, virgin’s milk, and a thousand other kinds of junk that I don’t know anything about. Since we’ve been here they’ve used up the fat of a dozen pigs, at least, and four valets could live every day on the sheep’s trotters they consume.

Scene 4. MAGDELON, CATHOS, GORGIBUS

GORGIBUS. That certainly is a necessary expense, all you put out to grease your snouts! Now you just tell me what you did to those gentlemen, for me to see them leaving so coldly. Didn’t I order you to receive them as persons I wanted to give you as husbands?

MAGDELON. And what esteem, Father, do you expect us to have for the irregular procedure of those individuals?

CATHOS. How in the world, Uncle, could a girl with the slightest sense put up with their persons?

GORGIBUS. And what do you find wrong with them?

MAGDELON. Theirs is fine gallantry indeed! What! Start right out with marriage!

GORGIBUS. And what do you want them to start with? Concubinage? Isn’t their procedure one that you have reason to be gratified with, as well as I? Could anything be more obliging than that? And the holy bond that they seek, isn’t that evidence of their honorable intentions?

MAGDELON. Oh, Father, that kind of talk is utterly bourgeois. It makes me ashamed to hear you speak that way, and you should learn a little about how things are done with an elegant air.

GORGIBUS. I have no use for airs or songs. I tell you that marriage is a simple and a holy thing, and that it is acting honorably to begin with it.

MAGDELON. Good heavens, if everyone were like you, how soon a romance would be ended! A fine thing it would be if Cyrus married Mandane at the start, and if Aronce were wedded to Clélie without any difficulty!*

GORGIBUS (to CATHOS). What’s this one telling me?

MAGDELON. Father, my cousin here will tell you just as well as I that marriage must never come until after the other adventures. A lover, to be agreeable, must know how to utter fine sentiments, breathe from his heart things sweet, tender, and passionate; and his suit must follow the rules. First he must see, in church, or on a walk, or at some public ceremony, the person with whom he falls in love; or else be fatally taken to her house by a relative or friend, and leave there dreamy and melancholy. For a time he hides his passion from the beloved object, and meanwhile pays her several visits, in which some question of gallantry never fails to be brought up to exercise the wits of the company. Comes the day of the declaration, which should ordinarily be made in some garden walk, while the company has moved on a bit; and this declaration is followed by instant wrath, which shows in our blushes, and which, for a time, banishes the lover from our presence. Then he finds a way to appease us, to accustom us imperceptibly to his talk about his passion, and to draw from us that admission that pains us so. After that come the adventures, the rivals that cross an established inclination, the persecutions of fathers, the jealousies conceived over false appearances, the laments, the despairs, the abductions, and what follows. That is how things are done with elegance; and those are the rules that cannot be dispensed with in proper gallantry. But to come point-blank to the conjugal union, to make love only by making the marriage contract, and to take the romance precisely by the tail! I repeat, Father, nothing could be more mercantile than such a procedure; and just the picture it gives me makes me nauseated.

GORGIBUS. What the devil is this jargon I hear? That’s the grand style all right!

CATHOS. Indeed, Uncle, my cousin hits the truth of the matter. How can one receive people well who are completely incongruous in matters of gallantry? I’ll wager they have never seen the map of Tenderland,* and that Sweet-Notes, Small-Attentions, Gallant-Notes, and Pretty-Verses are unknown lands to them. Don’t you see that their whole person shows this, and that they do not have that air that makes a good first impression? To come to pay their court with an unadorned leg, a hat disarmed of feathers, an uncurled head of hair, and a coat that suffers from an indigence of ribbons . . . ! Good heavens, what kind of lovers are these! What frugality in attire and what aridity in conversation! One can’t endure it, one can’t abide it. I also noted that their neckcloths are not of the right make, and that their breeches are a good half a foot short of being wide enough.

GORGIBUS (aside). I think they’re both crazy, and I can’t understand a word of this gibberish. (Aloud) Cathos, and you, Magdelon . . .

MAGDELON. Oh! I beg you, Father, divest yourself of those strange names, and address us otherwise.

GORGIBUS. How’s that? Those strange names? Aren’t they the names you were christened with?

MAGDELON. Good heavens, how vulgar you are! For my part, one thing that astounds me is that you could have a daughter as clever as I. Did anyone, in the grand style, ever speak of Cathos or Magdelon? And won’t you admit that one of those names would be enough to discredit the finest romance in the world?

CATHOS. It is true, Uncle, that even a slightly delicate ear suffers frantically on hearing those words pronounced; and the names Polyxène, which my cousin has chosen, and that of Aminte,* which I have adopted, have a grace that you must acknowledge.

GORGIBUS. Listen: just one word will do it. I don’t intend that you shall have any other names than those that were given you by your godfathers and godmothers. And as for the gentlemen in question, I know their families and their possessions, and it is my firm will that you make ready to receive them as husbands. I’m getting tired of having you on my hands, and taking care of two girls is a little too heavy a load for a man of my age.

CATHOS. As for me, Uncle, all I can tell you is that I consider marriage a very shocking thing. How can one endure the thought of sleeping beside a man who is actually naked?

MAGDELON. Allow us to catch our breath a bit amid the high society of Paris, where we have only just arrived. Let us weave the web of our romance at leisure, and do not push the conclusion so hard.

GORGIBUS (aside). There’s no doubt about it, they’re completely daft. (Aloud) Once more, I don’t understand a thing about all this twaddle; I intend to be absolute master; and, to cut short every kind of talk, either you will both be married before very long, or, my word, you shall be nuns! This I swear to you.

Scene 5. CATHOS, MAGDELON

CATHOS. Good heavens, my dear, how sunk your father’s spiritual form is in matter! How thick is his intelligence, and how dark it is in his soul!

MAGDELON. What can you expect, my dear? I am dismayed for him. I can hardly convince myself that I can really be his daughter, and I think some day some adventure will come and unfold for me a more illustrious birth.

CATHOS. I could well believe it; yes, there is all the likelihood in the world. And as for me, too, when I look at myself . . .

Scene 6. MAROTTE, CATHOS, MAGDELON

MAROTTE. Here is a lackey asking if you’re at home. He says his master wants to come in and see you.

MAGDELON. Stupid girl, learn to pronounce yourself less vulgarly. Say: “Here is a necessity who asks if you might find it commodious to be visible.”

MAROTTE. Mercy me! I don’t know no Latin, and I haven’t learned philophosy like you in The Great Sire.*

MAGDELON. Such impertinence! How can one bear it? And who is this lackey’s master?

MAROTTE. He said his name is the Marquis de Mascarille.

MAGDELON. Ah, my dear, a marquis! (To MAROTTE) Yes, go and say that he may see us. (To CATHOS) No doubt he is some wit who has heard about us.

CATHOS. Assuredly, my dear.

MAGDELON. We must receive him in this downstairs room rather than in our bedroom. Let’s at least arrange our hair a bit and live up to our reputation. (To MAROTTE) Quick, come in here and tender us the counselor of the graces.

MAROTTE. My word, I don’t know what sort of animal that is. You’ve got to talk Christian if you want me to understand you.

CATHOS. Bring us the mirror, you ignoramus, and take good care not to sully the glass by the communication of your image.

Scene 7. MASCARILLE, TWO CARRIERS

MASCARILLE. Hey there, porters, hey! There, there, there, there, there, there! I think these rascals mean to break me in pieces by crashing against the walls and the pavements.

FIRST CARRIER. Well! That’s because the door is narrow. And you had to have us come all the way in here.

MASCARILLE. I should think so. You louts, would you have me expose the portliness of my plumes to the inclemencies of the pluvious season, and imprint my shoes in mud? Come, get your chair out of here.

SECOND CARRIER. Then pay us, please, sir.

MASCARILLE. Huh?

SECOND CARRIER. I say, sir, for you to give us our money, please.

MASCARILLE (giving him a slap). What, rascal, ask money of a person of my quality?

SECOND CARRIER. Is that the way you pay poor folk? And your quality—can we eat it for dinner?

MASCARILLE. Aha! Aha! I’ll teach you to know your place! These oafs dare to stand up to me!

FIRST CARRIER (picking up one of the poles of his chair). All right! Pay us real quick.

MASCARILLE. What?

FIRST CARRIER. I say I want to have some money right away.

MASCARILLE. He is reasonable.

FIRST CARRIER. Make it quick.

MASCARILLE. Yes, of course. Now you speak properly; but the other fellow is a knave who doesn’t know what he is saying. Here: are you satisfied?

FIRST CARRIER. No, I’m not satisfied: you slapped my partner’s face, and . . . (raising the pole again)

MASCARILLE. Gently now. Here, this is for the slap. People get anything they want from me when they go about it in the right way. All right, come back and get me in a while to take me to the Louvre for the King’s petit coucher.*

Scene 8. MAROTTE, MASCARILLE

MAROTTE. Sir, my mistresses will be down right away.

MASCARILLE. Tell them not to hurry; I’m comfortably established here to wait.

MAROTTE. Here they are.

Scene 9. MAGDELON, CATHOS, MASCARILLE, ALMANZOR

MASCARILLE (after bowing). Ladies, you will no doubt be surprised at the audacity of my visit; but your reputation makes you suffer this misadventure, and merit has such potent charms for me that I pursue it everywhere.

MAGDELON. If you pursue merit, it is not on our lands that you should hunt.

CATHOS. If you see merit here with us, you must have brought it here yourself.

MASCARILLE. Ah! Your statement I categorically deny. Renown testifies truly in reporting your worth; and you will score pique, repique, and capot* over all the gallant society of Paris.

MAGDELON. Your complaisance carries the liberality of its praises a little too far; and my cousin and I shall take good care not to let our seriousness fall into the sweet trap of your flattery.

CATHOS. My dear, we should have chairs brought.

MAGDELON. Ho there, Almanzor!

ALMANZOR. Madame?

MAGDELON. Quick, carriage us hither the commodities of conversation.

MASCARILLE. But is there at least any security here for me?

CATHOS. What do you fear?

MASCARILLE. Some theft of my heart, some assassination of my freedom. Here I see eyes that look like very dangerous lads, fit for a surprise attack on a person’s liberty and for treating a soul as a Turk treats a Moorish slave. What the devil is this? As soon as one approaches them, they are simply murderously on guard! Ah! Faith, I mistrust them, and I’m getting out of here, or else I want a solid safeconduct to insure that they will do me no harm.

MAGDELON. My dear, he’s the sprightly type.

CATHOS. I see, he’s a regular Amilcar.*

MAGDELON. Have no fear: our eyes have no evil designs, and your heart may sleep assured of their probity.

CATHOS. But have mercy, sir, do not be inexorable toward this chair which has been holding out its arms to you for a quarter of an hour; give some satisfaction to its desire to embrace you.

MASCARILLE (after combing his wig and adjusting his knee ruffles). Well, ladies, what do you say about Paris?

MAGDELON. Alas! What could we say? One must be the antipodes of reason not to confess that Paris is the great bureau of marvels, the center of good taste, wit, and gallantry.

MASCARILLE. For my part, I maintain that outside Paris there is no salvation for people of breeding.

CATHOS. That is an incontestable truth.

MASCARILLE. It is a bit muddy; but we have the sedan chair.

MAGDELON. True, the sedan chair is a marvelous entrenchment against the assaults of mud and bad weather.

MASCARILLE. You receive many visits: what great wit belongs to your circle?

MAGDELON. Alas! We are not yet known; but we are on our way to be, and we have a special friend who has promised to bring with her all the writers for the Collection of Choice Miscellanies.*

CATHOS. And certain other men too whose names we have heard as those of the sovereign arbiters of elegance.

MASCARILLE. I’m the man who will arrange that for you better than anyone. They all come to see me, and I may say that I never rise in the morning without a half-dozen wits in waiting.

MAGDELON. Oh! Heavens! We’ll be obliged to you, but with the utmost obligation, if you will do us that kindness. For after all, one must be acquainted with all those gentlemen if one wants to belong to elegant society. They are the ones who make reputations in Paris, and you know that there is one of them such that mere association with him gives you a name for being in the know, even without any other reason. But for my part, what I particularly consider is that by means of these intellectual visits one keeps informed about a hundred things that one absolutely must know and which are of the essence of wit. Thus one learns every day the gossip of gallantry, the pretty exchanges of prose and verse. One finds out at the right time: “So-and-So has composed the prettiest play in the world on such-and-such a subject; this lady has written words to that tune; this man has done a madrigal about favors enjoyed; that one has composed stanzas about an infidelity; Mr. So-and-So wrote a sextain yesterday evening to Miss Such-and-Such, to which she sent him her answer this morning around eight o’clock; a given author has formed a given project; this one is on the third part of his novel; that other is putting his works through the press.” This is what makes you shine in company; and if you don’t know these things, I wouldn’t give a pin for all the wit you may have.

CATHOS. Indeed, I think it is really too ridiculous for a person to have pretensions to wit and not know every least little quatrain that is composed every day; and for my part, I would fairly die of shame if it came to the point where someone asked me if I had seen something new and I had not seen it.

MASCARILLE. It is shameful, indeed, not to have the first look at everything that is done; but don’t be worried; I mean to establish in your house an Academy of Wits, and I promise you that there won’t be a scrap of verse written in Paris that you will not know by heart before anyone else. I myself, even as you see me, make a bit of a stab at it when I’m in the mood; and in the finest circles in Paris you will find current two hundred songs of my making, as many sonnets, four hundred epigrams, and more than a thousand madrigals, without counting the riddles and the portraits.

MAGDELON. I confess to you I’m frantically fond of portraits; I think nothing is as gallant as that.

MASCARILLE. Portraits are difficult, and require a deep mind. You’ll see some of mine that will not displease you.

CATHOS. For my part, I’m terrifyingly in love with riddles.

MASCARILLE. They exercise the mind, and I made up four just this morning which I’ll give you to guess.

MAGDELON. Madrigals are charming when they’re neatly turned.

MASCARILLE. That is my special talent, and I’m working on putting all Roman history into madrigals.

MAGDELON. Ah! Assuredly, that will be the ultimate in beauty. I reserve at least one copy, if you have it printed.

MASCARILLE. I promise you each one, and in the best binding. It’s beneath my rank, but I do it only to earn money for the booksellers, who simply persecute me.

MAGDELON. I imagine it’s a great pleasure to see oneself in print.

MASCARILLE. To be sure. But by the way, I must tell you an impromptu that I made up yesterday while I was visiting a duchess friend of mine; for I’m devilishly good at impromptus.

CATHOS. Impromptus are the genuine touchstone of wit.

MASCARILLE. Then listen.

MAGDELON. We are all ears.

MASCARILLE.

Oh! Oh! I was caught unaware:

While I was gazing at you, free from care,

Your eye, so sly, did take my heart in fief.

Stop thief, stop thief, stop thief, stop thief, stop thief!

CATHOS. Ah! Heavens above! That is carried to the limits of gallantry.

MASCARILLE. Everything I do seems cavalier; it doesn’t smell of the pedant.

MAGDELON. It’s more than two thousand leagues removed from it.

MASCARILLE. Did you notice that beginning: “Oh! Oh!”? Here’s something extraordinary: “Oh! Oh!” Like a man who suddenly takes note of something: “Oh! Oh!” Surprise: “Oh! Oh!”

MAGDELON. Yes; I think that “Oh! Oh!” is admirable.

MASCARILLE. It seems like nothing at all.

CATHOS. Oh, good Lord! What are you saying? That’s the kind of thing that’s beyond price.

MAGDELON. Beyond a doubt; and I would rather have written that “Oh! Oh!” than an epic poem.

MASCARILLE. Egad! You have good taste.

MAGDELON. Well, it’s not completely bad.

MASCARILLE. But don’t you also admire “I was caught unaware”? “I was caught unaware”: I was not noticing—a natural way of speaking—”I was caught unaware.” “While . . . free from care”: while innocently, without malice, like a poor sheep. “I was gazing at you,” that is to say, I took pleasure considering you, I was observing you, I was contemplating you. “Your eye, so sly” . . . What do you think of that expression “so sly”? Is it not well chosen?

CATHOS. Well indeed.

MASCARILLE. “Sly,” surreptitious. It seems like a cat that has just caught a mouse: “sly.”

MAGDELON. Nothing could be better.

MASCARILLE. “Did take my heart in fief,” snatched it away from me, tore it from me. “Stop thief, stop thief, stop thief, stop thief, stop thief!” Wouldn’t you say it was a man shouting and running after a thief to have him arrested? “Stop thief, stop thief, stop thief, stop thief, stop thief!”

MAGDELON. One must admit that it has a witty and gallant turn.

MASCARILLE. I want to tell you the tune I’ve composed for it.

CATHOS. You have learned music?

MASCARILLE. I? Not at all.

CATHOS. Then how can this be?

MASCARILLE. People of quality know everything without ever having learned anything.

MAGDELON (to CATHOS). Obviously, my dear.

MASCARILLE. Listen and see if you find the tune to your taste. Ahem, ahem! La, la, la, la, la. The brutality of the season has furiously outraged the delicacy of my voice; but no matter, this is still casual and cavalier style. (He sings.)

Oh! Oh! I was caught . . .

CATHOS. Ah! Now that’s a passionate tune! Couldn’t you die listening to it?

MAGDELON. There’s chromatics in it.

MASCARILLE. Don’t you find the thought well expressed by the song? “Stop thief! . . .” And then, like someone shouting really loud: “stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop thief!” And suddenly, like a person out of breath: “stop thief!”

MAGDELON. There you see knowledge of the sublety of things, the height of sublety, the sublety of subleties. It is all marvelous, I assure you; I am ecstatic over the tune and the words.

CATHOS. I have never yet seen anything of such power.

MASCARILLE. Everything I do comes to me naturally, without study.

MAGDELON. Nature has treated you as a truly impassioned mother, and you are her spoiled child.

MASCARILLE. Now, how do you spend your time?

CATHOS. On nothing at all.

MAGDELON. Up to now, we have been frightfully starved for amusements.

MASCARILLE. I am at your disposal to take you to the theater one of these days, if you like; as a matter of fact they are due to put on a new play that I would very much like for us to see together.

MAGDELON. That cannot be refused.

MASCARILLE. But I ask you to applaud in the right way when we’re there; for I’ve pledged myself to play up the show, and the author came to ask me just this morning. It’s the custom here for authors to come and read their new plays to us people of quality, so as to pledge us to think they are excellent and give them a reputation; and I leave you to imagine whether, when we say anything, the pit dares to contradict us. For my part, I am very scrupulous about it; and when I have given my promise to some poet, I always shout “That is beautiful!” before the candles are lit.

MAGDELON. You don’t need to tell me: Paris is a wonderful place. A hundred things happen here every day that you don’t know in the provinces, however clever you may be.

CATHOS. Enough: now that we are informed, we will make it our duty to cry out properly at everything that is said.

MASCARILLE. I may be mistaken, but you certainly look like a person who has written a comedy.

MAGDELON. Well, there might be something in what you say.

MASCARILLE. Ah! My word, we shall have to see it. Between ourselves, I have completed one which I want to have performed.

CATHOS. Oh! What troupe will you give it to?

MASCARILLE. A fine question! To the Grands Comédiens.* They are the only ones who know how to bring things out. The others are ignoramuses who recite the way people speak; they don’t know how to make the verses boom out, and to stop at the fine passage; and how is one to know which is the fine line if the actor doesn’t pause and thus inform you that it’s time to make a racket?

CATHOS. Indeed, there is a way of making the audience feel the beauties of a work; and things have no value but that which is given them in performance.

MASCARILLE. How do you like my trimmings? Do you find them congruent with the coat?

CATHOS. Completely.

MASCARILLE. The ribbon is well chosen.

MAGDELON. Frantically well. It’s pure Perdrigeon.*

MASCARILLE. What do you say of my knee ruffles?

MAGDELON. They are in exactly the right style.

MASCARILLE. I can at least boast that they are a good quarter-ell wider than any that are made.

MAGDELON. I must admit I have never seen elegance of attire carried to such a height.

MASCARILLE. Just apply a moment to these gloves the operation of your olfactory sense.

MAGDELON. They smell terrifyingly good.

CATHOS. I have never breathed an aroma of loftier quality.

MASCARILLE (offering his powdered wig). And this?

MAGDELON. It is utterly uppercrust; the sublimity of the brain is deliciously touched by it.

MASCARILLE. You say nothing of my plumes. How do you like them?

CATHOS. Frightfully handsome.

MASCARILLE. Do you know that each feather costs me a louis d’or? For my part, I have a mania for wanting to go in for all the most beautiful things.

MAGDELON. I assure you that you and I are in sympathy: I have a frenzied delicacy about everything I wear; and even to my stockings, I cannot abide anything that is not of the best make.

MASCARILLE (crying out suddenly). Ouch, ouch, ouch, gently! Damme, ladies, you are treating me very badly; I have cause to complain of your conduct; it is not honorable.

CATHOS. Why, what is it? What’s the matter?

MASCARILLE. What? Both of you against my heart at the same time? Attack me right and left! Ah! It’s against the law of nations; the match is unfair; and I’m going to cry “Murder.”

CATHOS. One must admit he says things in a very special way.

MAGDELON. He has an admirable turn of wit.

CATHOS. You are more afraid than hurt, and your heart cries out before it’s skinned.

MASCARILLE. The devil you say! It’s skinned from head to foot.

Scene 10. MAROTTE, MASCARILLE, CATHOS, MAGDELON

MAROTTE. Madame, someone is asking to see you.

MAGDELON. Who?

MAROTTE. The Viscount de Jodelet.

MASCARILLE. The Viscount de Jodelet?

MAROTTE. Yes, sir.

CATHOS. Do you know him?

MASCARILLE. He’s my best friend.

MAGDELON. Show him right in.

MASCARILLE. We haven’t seen each other for some time, and I am delighted at this encounter.

CATHOS. Here he is.

Scene 11. JODELET, MASCARILLE, CATHOS,

MAGDELON, MAROTTE

MASCARILLE. Ah! Viscount!

(They embrace.)

JODELET. Ah! Marquis!

MASCARILLE. How happy I am to meet you!

JODELET. What a joy for me to see you here!

MASCARILLE. Kiss me a bit more, please.

MAGDELON (to CATHOS). My dear, we are beginning to be known; see, high society is finding its way to our door.

MASCARILLE. Ladies, allow me to present this gentleman. Upon my word, he is worthy of your acquaintance.

JODELET. It is only just that I should come and render unto you your due; your attractions assert their seigniorial rights over every sort of person.

MAGDELON. This is carrying your civilities to the uttermost confines of flattery.

CATHOS. This day must be marked in our calendar as a most happy one.

MAGDELON (to ALMANZOR). Come, boy, must I always tell you things twice? Don’t you see we need the increment of one chair?

MASCARILLE. Don’t be surprised to see the Viscount look as he does. He’s just getting over an illness that has left his face as pale as you see.*

JODELET. This is the fruit of vigils at court and the fatigues of war.

MASCARILLE. Do you know, ladies, that you see in the Viscount one of the most valiant men of our century? He’s a dyed-in-the-wool hero.

JODELET. You’re not a bit behind me, Marquis; and we know what you’re capable of too.


Tartuffe and Other Plays (Signet Classics), by Jean-Baptiste Moliere

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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful. A man of genius By Thomas Banks Everyone should read "Tartuffe," at the very least. Moliere was a gift for the ages, and this translation makes him easily accessible for those of us who struggle with French.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful. Great play! By Kami Tartuffe has always been one of my favorite plays as well as Moliere one of my favorite authors. A great book!

1 of 3 people found the following review helpful. Tartuffe and other plays By Patricia A. Lemmermann I purchased this book for my daughter who is a sophomore in college. It was the right version..apparently there is another version of this play that is not written correctly. It was delivered in a timely manner and was just what I expected.

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Stuff Brits Like: A Guide to What's Great About Great Britain, by Fraser McAlpine

Stuff Brits Like: A Guide to What's Great About Great Britain, by Fraser McAlpine

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Stuff Brits Like: A Guide to What's Great About Great Britain, by Fraser McAlpine

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If you’re looking for the best biscuit to dunk in your tea, the ideal temperature at which to serve real ale or the perfect pasty for your trip to the seaside, you either A)    Have been desperately seeking a book exactly like this one or,B)    Have secretly become British without realizing it. If you chose A, congratulations, you are an Anglophile! And, if you chose B, don’t panic. With the help of Stuff Brits Like, you will soon discover the joy of these and many more delightful British peculiarities and can develop an upper lip as stiff as any you’ve seen on Downton Abbey. British native Fraser McAlpine set out to do for his countrymen what Stuff Parisians Like did for their neighbors across the channel—offering a guide to their particular tastes and eccentricities with all the cheeky wit you might expect from the people who gave you Noël Coward and Eddie Izzard. You may know to say football instead of soccer and crisps instead of chips. You may even know why taking the piss is more fun and less unsanitary than it sounds. But with Stuff Brits Like, you’ll be ready for the next pub quiz in no time.

Stuff Brits Like: A Guide to What's Great About Great Britain, by Fraser McAlpine

  • Amazon Sales Rank: #294940 in Books
  • Brand: Mcalpine, Fraser
  • Published on: 2015-07-07
  • Released on: 2015-07-07
  • Original language: English
  • Number of items: 1
  • Dimensions: 8.98" h x .76" w x 5.96" l, 1.00 pounds
  • Binding: Paperback
  • 368 pages
Stuff Brits Like: A Guide to What's Great About Great Britain, by Fraser McAlpine

Review “A thoroughly wonderful ride through Britishness…One couldn’t put it down.”—@Queen_UK, author of Gin O’Clock and Still Reigning

About the Author Fraser McAlpine is the lead writer for Anglophenia, BBC America’s blog for American Anglophiles, and consequently spends a good deal of his working life arguing about the finer points of Doctor Who, Sherlock, Downton Abbey and anything with Tom Hiddleston in it. He lives in Cornwall, which is the Florida of the British Isles, except it’s far wetter and there’s no Disneyworld.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Introduction ■

Let us start this preposterous journey in the most British way imaginable: with a series of meandering apologies and caveats. I don’t know what it is about a book like this, but it seems you can’t make huge, sweeping, lawn-mower generalizations about the likes and loves of an entire nation without slicing up the odd precious and unique orchid here and there, and for that, I am truly sorry.

It would probably have been easier to write a book called Stuff Brits Don’t Like. That would have taken no time to compile and run to several volumes, such is the national zeal for complaining and taking things to task, but it’s not as if the Internet is short of people showing their displeasure, so it’s probably best to leave them to it.

And while we’re shutting doors in people’s faces, this book can only be a personal journey. It wasn’t subject to a public vote and there won’t be a chance to suggest subsequent chapters. People born and bred in the British Isles won’t always recognize themselves on every page; there will be lots of points along the way where, if this were a blog, the comments section would blaze with outrage and correction (see: Pedantry). But that’s because one book cannot hope to convey the full range of enthusiasms in a nation as endlessly and joyfully provincial as the United Kingdom.

Heck, I can’t even get them to agree on a list of favorite movies (excluding Star Wars, which is, ah, universal). So I’ve picked just five popular cinematic experiences, the ones that say something about how British people like to think about themselves. That is, if they would ever settle down and think of themselves as British in the first place.

By which I mean we need to get our definitions straight. For the purposes of brevity, if not painstaking accuracy, “Britain” and “the United Kingdom” have been used interchangeably to describe the same place (the full title is the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland). However, the United Kingdom is made up of four countries—England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland—and Cornwall, which does not currently have nation status (it’s actually a duchy). The Cornish have been identified by the European Union as a recognized minority; they are, in other words, their own people.

Then there are the island communities: the Isles of Scilly, the Orkneys, the Shetlands, the Isle of Wight, and so on. On some islands cars are welcome, and on others they are not allowed and the taxis all float. This must make watching Top Gear there an entirely different experience from what it is in landlocked Birmingham. So again, sweeping generalizations are hard to pull off.

Also, Britain and England are so often conflated that Welsh, Scottish, and Northern Irish (and Cornish) residents tend to feel left out. Make a list of British things that are principally English things and you’re sure to get on someone’s nerves.

Then again (again), you can’t ignore the English either, not least because they made such a fuss about being in charge of everything in the first place. But which England? The north is a very different place from the south. As is the east from the west. And that’s before you consider the dividing influence of class—still a hugely influential factor in British tastes—and the various experiences of people from different ethnic groups too.

In fact, the only thing British people will definitely all agree on with regard to this book is that it is hugely flawed in almost every respect. I can only offer sympathy with that view, and my humble apologies. Ideally a balance can be struck between compiling the common clichés of bowler hats and stiff upper lips and writing a huge list of things that everyone likes, delivered as if no one has ever noticed them, like saying, “Hey, this oxygen stuff isn’t bad, is it?”

Oh, and while we’re on definitions, here’s a brief list of potentially confusing terms:

   • If I say football I mean soccer (see: Football).   • If I say fags I mean cigarettes.   • If I say chips I mean fries.   • If I say crisps I mean chips.   • If I say biscuits I mean cookies.

Everything else, bar an eccentric glossary at the end, is yours to puzzle over and investigate further. Good luck!

FRASER MCALPINE, CORNWALL, 2014

Pedantry ■

Let’s be honest, we all knew this was going to be the first chapter. The British have many international reputations to uphold, but the most fondly held is that of the uptight gentleman in an immaculate suit waiting politely for his turn to explain that you’ve just done something wrong. Even in the act of putting together ideas for a book about things that British people tend to enjoy—not a controversial or damning theme—I started to worry about the kindly meant corrections, the outrage at having left something out. Y’know, the pedants’ revolt.

Now I’m fretting that I’ve put the apostrophe in the wrong place just there. Do I mean it’s a revolt of a single pedant or a group of pedants? Does it belong to them? Do people get that the phrase is a pun on the Peasants’ Revolt of 1381? Should I explain that or does it ruin the joke? It’s all very stressful.

There’s also the fact that the only people who refer to the Brits as the Brits are not Brits. Regional pride runs strong and deep in the United Kingdom, a state of affairs that is only intensified by the fragmented nature of Britain as a combined nation. As there’s a certain amount of cultural antagonism between the five nationalities involved—or, more accurately, between the other four nationalities and England—any reference to British people will draw the Pavlovian response that Britain is not England, that the two terms are not interchangeable. And that’s before we’ve even started to take into account the significant differences between individual counties, districts, and villages, some of which really do not get on well.

You can pin this intense desire for subjective accuracy down to a need to create order out of chaos—using unimprovably impatient phrases like “Why don’t you just . . .” or “Surely you’d be better off . . .” as a preface—but the British and their high standards manage to find chaos everywhere, even in places that look pretty ordered already, thank you very much.

By which I mean the Brits won’t forgive the rest of the world for driving on the right-hand side of the road, much less America for taking so many letters out of British English words—colour, catalogue, axe—just to make spellings easier.

Naturally the online environment has only intensified this state of affairs. Create any kind of Web list—Five Best Tea Shops in Rhyl, Nine Greatest Achievements of Clement Attlee, Seven Greatest Beatles Songs—and the first comment afterward will be “You forgot Liffy’s caff” or “You forgot maintaining government order in a cabinet of strong personalities” or “You forgot ‘Nowhere Man,’” as if the omission of one runner-up deprives the whole enterprise of merit. That’s largely why people create these online lists, of course—to encourage pedants to read, snort, and comment—and it’s incredibly effective.

But there are also blogs and Twitter feeds devoted to the search for spelling mistakes on handwritten signs: patiently explaining why speech marks are not used for emphasis, impatiently yelling at the poor greengrocer and his “potatoe’s,” and generally channeling the sadistic English teacher from the writer’s past who made tiny tears well up every time she read the student’s homework out loud to the class. And of course those blog posts and tweets will also contain mistakes—whether made by fat fingertips on a smartphone screen, autocorrect larking about, or genuine human error—and this will provoke more snarky comments, which will also contain basic spelling mistakes or missed punctuation, betraying the glee and speed with which pedantry is applied. To be the second to point out a mistake is an unbearable shame. To have made a mistake while in the act of pointing out someone else’s, well, that’s grounds for immediate deportation from life itself.

Celebrities are invited to join the cause. Stephen Fry, as a fan of discourse and generally bashing words together to see the pretty sparks, is often encouraged to speak out against declining standards in grammar and the rising tide of neologisms. He stoutly refuses to do so, pointing out that language is a fluid thing. English teachers are wonderful, inspiring people, even the scary ones, but they only relay the basic rules of punctuation and grammar as they understand them at the time. To say the English language—something the Brits are quietly rather proud of—is on the wane because of LOL or textspeak is simply to echo the same view expressed in the 1950s with daddy-o and cool, and in the 1960s with groovy and heavy. Shakespeare coined hundreds of new words and expressions, from barefaced to courtship to puking, and you can bet that the first few times they were used, there was an unimpressed puritan within earshot, ready with a withering rebuke. And they had proper puritans in those days.

The nation’s best-known film critic is Mark Kermode. He’s a man of strong passions, very principled in his approach and firm in his point of view. And one of the reasons he is so popular is that he’s a terrific pedant. Whether he’s picking apart tiny flaws in the films he is reviewing or he’s listening to comments from his radio listeners and correcting their grammar, his endless need to correct and improve is symptomatic of a particular outlook, one that is so popular that even when he makes a mistake—and let’s be entirely honest here, there is no one so sure of their linguistic powers that they are above a little grammatical polish here and there—people rush to correct him.

The interesting thing is, these corrections still happen even when the perceived error is something that doesn’t even really exist as a rule. A lot of people have been taught that sentences should not end with a preposition, for example. So the question “Which chair shall I sit on?” is a prime target for pedants to leap at and suggest “On which chair shall I sit?” as the correct alternative. This will then provoke other pedants to point out that the preposition rule is actually a myth, that it gets in the way of conversational speech, and that people should be less persnickety about grammar in general, so long as the meaning is understood. This will then provoke a further point of pedantry, because in Britain the word is pernickety. And that’s when everyone realizes there are no more chairs.

WHAT TO SAY: “And you forgot you’re manners, sir.”

WHAT NOT TO SAY: “Gah! Your means belonging to you. You’re means you are. Its so easy!”

Talking About the Weather ■

Hooray for Brollywood.

Making small talk is hard work. It’s bad enough when a companionable silence has descended between two complete strangers in a lift or in a doctor’s waiting room, but what if they sort of know each other? What if they’ve met once or twice, just enough to be aware of the other, but not enough to have shared any personal details that could spur a decent conversation? How, in a nation that prides itself on decorum and social niceties, shall we endure the pain of not knowing what to say?

Time to dig out the British cure for all awkwardness: a quick chat about the weather. This is one of the most commonly observed quirks of British social interaction; from Land’s End upward, the British are world renowned for striking up conversations that, to external ears, sound worryingly like banal observations about temperature and rainfall. They know this about themselves too and yet, in the absence of a better option, seem powerless to hold back. Where two British people are gathered together, there will be some talk about the weather.

And this goes back for years and years. George Formby, the beloved wartime entertainer, with his ribald songs and cheeky wink, had for a catchphrase the opening gambit of most weather-based conversations: “turned out nice again.”

Of course, the reason the Brits are so wedded to meteorological matters is simple: there’s a lot of weather in the British Isles, it changes often, and some of the changes are quite subtle. The mist rolls in from the sea, the clouds appear as if by magic, the wind shakes the spiraling keys from the sycamore trees, the sun cooks the clouds away, hailstones pelt down upon pensioners in the bus queue, the rain drenches the topsoil and creates a sudden stream across the zebra crossing, soaking the feet of children on their way to school, who laugh delightedly and jump up and down while their parents huddle under brollies and despair at their sodden socks.

There is always something going on, weatherwise. Even overcast days have their own color: a gray sky bleeding the bright greens from the grass and trees, a white sky that lends a forensic sharpness to an autumn morning, even a low and purple sky that demands that everyone get inside before the rain begins. It’s all so very noticeable, you can’t really blame the people that live in this kaleidoscope climate for paying attention to what is going on. They store up tiny details for later, make microcomparisons between what is happening now and what was happening earlier. So when the opportunity arises, whether in a queue at the supermarket or while matching stride with a fellow dog walker in the park, a summary of recent meteorological changes can be brought to mind right away.

These will go in one of two directions: getting better or getting worse. The getting-better conversation goes something like this:

“Glad that rain stopped, aren’t you?”

“Oh, yes, it was miserable out here a couple of hours ago.”

“Hopefully it’ll hold off for the weekend. I want to get out in the garden.”

The getting-worse conversation is more of a lament:

“What happened to all that sunshine, eh?”

“I know! It was lovely yesterday and now look!”

“I was checking the forecast and they say it’s going to be like this for a couple of days.”

“Oh, well, I might just stay under my blanket for the duration.”

So it’s not so much a summary of how things are as a kind of prediction of the future, a way to read significance into signs from on high, but on a beautifully banal and yet entirely practical level.

Every nation’s people believe they are in some way favored by their creator, and the British like to use the weather as a litmus test to see how acidic (or otherwise) that relationship has become.

WHAT TO SAY: “Ooh, listen to that rain!”

WHAT NOT TO SAY: “I notice there is a dense layer of cumulonimbus clouds over Salisbury; this means an increased likelihood of precipitation.”

Keep Calm and Carry On ■

It’s a mug’s game (etc).

There aren’t many meme crazes that start with the threat of invasion and death raining from the sky on a nightly basis and end with oven gloves. But then, Keep Calm and Carry On is not like other meme crazes.

In spring of 1939, a few months before the outbreak of the Second World War, the British government commissioned a special poster, knowing that dark times were ahead. The slogan “Keep Calm and Carry On” appeared in white on a regal red background, set in a specially commissioned typeface to prevent forgery and with a Tudor crown above. The intention was to put the posters up in areas where German bombers would do the most damage, in order to encourage the population not to lose heart. But despite printing around two and a half million copies, the British government kept them in storage, caught between a concern that the slogan would be taken as patronizing—or even frustratingly obvious—and waiting for a moment of sufficiently dire need, such as a full invasion.

This never transpired, and so the posters were eventually destroyed, apart from a few exceptions. In 2000, one survivor made its way, in a dusty box of old books, to a magical secondhand bookshop in Alnwick, Northumberland, owned by Stuart and Mary Manley. They framed it and put it behind their till, to the delight and curiosity of their customers, who began to inquire if they could buy a poster like it. Eventually the Manleys decided to print their own copies, and slowly the design and slogan began to spread, that special font proving to be no deterrent whatsoever.

Now there are Keep Calm and Carry On mugs and notebooks, coasters and T-shirts in almost every gift shop in Britain, in all the colors of the rainbow and with constant variations to the slogan to serve some marketing need or other. Keep Calm has become an iconic British thing in an astonishingly short space of time. And yet, if you talk to anyone British about it, the most likely response is eye-rolling frustration that it remains quite as popular as it is.

They’ll bemoan the fact that most of the hilarious phrases don’t make sense—“Keep Calm and Cupcake,” “Keep Calm and Swag,” and even one that says “Keep Calm and Eventually the Keep Calm Epidemic Will Die Out”—and that you can’t walk past a gift shop without seeing that regal branding and the big white letters of officialdom plastered across everything from teapots to toilet seats.

But despite becoming a target for sneers, the reason all these items exist is simple: secretly, the British love Keep Calm. There is something quintessential in the way the posters do not say “Don’t Panic” or “We Will Prevail” or anything about duty, insubordination, or cold, dead hands. They say “Keep Calm,” and what that means is, “We may be suffering something of an invasion at the moment, but that’s no reason to start acting in a rash and hot-headed manner. We may be a subjugated nation—temporarily—but we are not about to start acting like savages.”

And what of “Carry On”? It’s a world of subtle insubordination in just two words: “The Germans may take over our towns, ruin our cricket pitches, enforce the chilling of the ale in our pubs, put cabbage in with the pickled eggs, but we shall not pay them the slightest mind. As a nation, we have been trained to look past the bad behavior of our rudest guests, especially the uninvited ones, and rather than cause a scene, we shall just go about our daily business as if nothing has happened.”

Granted, if you take either of these sentiments out of that specific context and apply them to the modern world, they very quickly become meaningless, and if you start mucking about with them to make comedy screen savers, it’s not surprising that some Brits claim to find the whole affair reductive, witless, and exasperating.

But deep down they also love that so much historical information and national identity can be wrung out of five short words and a crown. It’s the very model of British reserve, even in the face of total annihilation.

WHAT TO SAY: “Oh, these things are everywhere, how ghastly.”

WHAT NOT TO SAY: “Wait, I’ve got one . . . ‘Keep Calm and Doughnuts!’”

British History ■

The important thing to realize about the way the British view their history is that while opinions about the significance of various events may be wildly different, the method of justification for having those opinions is exactly the same. When seeking to prove a point, British thought takes the legal view: if you can cite precedence—point to a thing that has happened before that suits your argument—then you’re in the right.

And the great thing about the broad buckshot spray of British historical events is that there is almost always a precedent for any opinion, if you go back far enough. Not keen on the royal family? There was a civil war that ended with the execution of Charles I. Keen on the royal family? His son Charles II was eventually restored to the throne. Seeking proof that British women have always been strong enough to hold their own against the oppressive forces of patriarchy? I give you Boudicca, Queen Elizabeth I, Emmeline Pankhurst, Queen Victoria, and Margaret Thatcher. Need to identify an essential pluckiness of British society that binds everyone together for the common good in times of trouble, no matter how bleak things may appear to be? The phrase you want is “spirit of the Blitz.”

You’ll find people using the legal-precedent trick for all manner of reasons: to prove their right to call themselves local, to justify their support for a football team that hasn’t won a championship in years, and to make fashion decisions based on crazy ideas from the past—polka dots, beards, mustache wax (the Brylcreem revival is surely only a few months away).

People used to believe Richard III had a deformed spine and a withered hand and was a rotten king, largely because Shakespeare said so and there wasn’t enough evidence to disprove him. Then they believed that this was actually Tudor propaganda, designed to bolster the dynasty’s claim to the throne, and that he was a fairly decent king with a fully working body after all, because that also made sense according to the scant records of the time. And then Richard’s actual skeleton was found under a car park in Leicester and guess what? He had scoliosis as an adolescent (but his arms were fine), so his back was bent, and this was reported on the national news. Naturally, now people are arguing over whether it’s really him or not, despite some compelling DNA evidence.

Then there are all the ruined castles—and former monasteries—left lying about the landscape like burst pimples. In parts of Cumbria you can still see the remains of the great wall the Roman emperor Hadrian built to keep the indomitable Scottish out of his face. Can you imagine the kind of psychological mark it leaves upon a nation to have been put on the wrong side of the Roman VIP rope for almost two thousand years? United, y’say? Kingdom? Aye, well, we’ll see about that, pal.

Small wonder cultural traditions and regional pride have grown as intertwined as they have, not just in local and eccentric events (see: Weird Traditions) but also in the big statements of national identity. There are the eisteddfods, festivals that celebrate Welsh culture, literature, and music, keeping alive centuries of tradition and maintaining the Welsh language for future generations; there are also the Highland games in Scotland, which do exactly the same thing for Scottish literature and arts (and allow beefy men to throw a big stick in case Nessie wants to play fetch). And as you can’t ever separate the cultural from the political in British folk history, it’s probably worth adding that the Highland games in particular took on their modern form in Victorian times, after a highly unpopular campaign to drive small-time farm holders off the hills, in order to use the land to rear sheep. Nothing fuses communities together like adversity.

Then of course there are the commemorative customs, most notably the wearing of a paper poppy in the days preceding the annual Remembrance Day service—which takes place on the Sunday nearest to November 11—and observing two minutes of silence at 11.00 A.M. on the day itself. A constant interest remains in those wartime years, particularly the first and the second world wars, because it’s unthinkable now that such events could ever have happened in so short a space of time. Or that only twenty years passed between V-E Day—the heyday of the Andrews Sisters and Glenn Miller—and the release of Help!, the Beatles’ fifth LP.

The past is well served by British TV too. Costume dramas are a sure ratings winner, especially if they bring out an all-star cast of highly regarded thespians in nightshirts and starched collars—particularly if they are disheveled and a bit damp, like Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice. And thanks to the work of the National Trust, these dramas are never short of an immaculately kept location for whichever era they are attempting to re-create.

Not that all of British history is given equal billing. In fact, if you were to go purely by TV drama alone, the complete history of England would go something like this: Roman times—King Arthur times—Medieval times—Robin Hood times—Tudor times—Jane Austen times—Charles Dickens times—Downton Abbey times—Charleston times—Blitz times—Rock ’n’ Roll times—Yuppie times—Pre-Internet times—Nowadays.

Or if you were hoping to find out what the Scots were up to in all that time, it goes: Pictish times—Jacobean times—Today.

WHAT TO SAY: “Is there a historical drama about Welsh times?”

WHAT NOT TO SAY: “Whatever did happen to those princes in the Tower?”

Offal ■

These are the only British people to whom one could put the question “Do you like offal?” and expect an honest response:

   • Vegetarians and vegans   • People who like offal

Everyone else is probably fibbing to a greater or lesser degree, and they probably don’t even know it. Put the blanket suggestion that the British love offal to a decent majority of British people and they will almost certainly argue the toss. However, the sheer availability of the unprime cuts of various commonly eaten animals in everyday British meals would seem to suggest otherwise.

And this isn’t even necessarily a sepia-toned jaunt down memory lane to a time when the Brits regularly ate tripe and sweetbreads—bits of cow stomach and various internal glands, respectively—although that wasn’t as far back as you may like to imagine. It is also not a searing Jamie Oliver–style comment on the processes involved in making the average burger or chicken nugget. Let’s just say that more than a few British meat dishes make use of the bits of the animal that are not commonly used for a roast dinner.

Like sausages, for example. The Brits love a banger. They love them sticking out of mashed potatoes and dripping with gravy (bangers ’n’ mash); they love them providing a perimeter wall for the beans in a fry-up (see: The Great British Fry-Up); they love them encased in batter and roasted (toad in the hole); and they love them mineralized black on the outside and raw in the middle, in a badly cut finger-roll at a rainy-day weekend barbecue in August. And while there’s a strong market for the kind that are made with only the finest meats, hand ground and delicately spiced, there’s also a lot of love out there for the kind that you don’t ask too many questions about.

Then there’s the glorious steak and kidney pie. It’s a pie; a delicious pie with steak and onions and gravy in it. And kidneys. So widely adored a combination of flavors that it is also available as a steamed pudding. The classic Melton Mowbray pork pie may contain the very best meat available, hand shaped and baked to perfection, but it is encased in a jelly made from the pig’s trotters. And not every pork pie is a Melton Mowbray, if you get my drift.

A steak & kidney pudding for one.

In the Midlands and South Wales, there’s a lot of schoolboy fun to be had in the unfortunate but very traditional name of meatballs made of minced pork offal (liver, lungs, and spleen, principally) and served with gravy and peas. They’re called faggots. They just are. Let’s not be childish or offensive about this.

To add extra offal value (and keep the balls round), each faggot is wrapped in caul fat, which is the membrane found around the pig’s internal organs. Not so funny now, eh?

And how about oxtail soup? You’ll never, ever guess what oxtail soup is made from. And even if you did, while it’s safe to assume that the beef tails in soups served by high-end organic restaurants are of the highest quality, just imagine the kind of stringy bovine wagglers that go in the cheaper tins on the supermarket shelves.

The dish that probably looms largest in the popular imagination when talking about Britain and offal is haggis, Scotland’s culinary masterpiece. People get peculiar about haggis in a way that they never would about sausages—although the reaction to black pudding comes close. They harp on about the ingredients—the minced heart, liver, lungs, and rolled oats; they gag over the sheep stomach into which the haggis is traditionally encased (although it tends to come wrapped in a sausage skin these days); and they make terrible retching noises without so much as trying a mouthful. Which seems a shame, given that haggis is actually not unlike a peppery meat loaf.

Still, you’d be hard put to convince a good deal of the Brits who live south of the Scottish border that haggis is a stuff Brits like, but it remains hugely popular in Scotland—you can even get it in fish and chip shops, deep-fried in batter—and in January, when Hogmanay rolls on toward Burns Night, you can get haggis in supermarkets from Inverness to Penzance, so it’s clearly more popular than anyone is prepared to admit.

Scotland is also home of the fish dish crappit heid (no, really, it’s food), in which the descaled head of a large cod or haddock is stuffed with a mixture of oats, suet, onion, and fish liver. And while we’re on fish: jellied eels, anyone?

Certain dishes exist in legend only—the foods people really don’t eat, the ones that Brits who don’t work in animal farming aren’t even aware of anymore, the really out-there foodstuffs, like muggety pie.

Muggety pie is just a pie made from entrails; that’s all it is. It’s a tripe pie, and it used to be popular in the West Country, especially Gloucestershire and Cornwall. And if there are no entrails, there’s an alternative recipe that involves the umbilical cords of lambs and/or calves. To the unsqueamish dairy farmer, this dish is a thrifty use of all available protein and one that suddenly makes haggis look like a T-bone from God’s own herd.

Another good place to find offal is between two slices of bread. There’s pâté, which Brits have only just decided to abandon calling meat paste and feeding almost exclusively to children in their packed school lunches, and then there’s tongue—most commonly pork or beef, chicken tongue being quite hard to slice. Confusingly, tongue sandwich is also a slang term for a particularly passionate snog, so you should always check what you are being offered before you open your mouth.

WHAT TO SAY: “I have never eaten that. Can I try some?”

WHAT NOT TO SAY: “They make it from what?! That’s gross!”

Apologizing Needlessly ■

With so many enormously confident British people in the world, it’s a shock to think that their international reputation remains that of a wet and eager-to-please race, just because they have the grace and good manners to try to make amends if they have made a social gaffe of some kind.

Being quick to apologize is a fine quality, especially if no offense was intended in the first place. It’s a mark of a strong character, but only when used sparingly and from the heart. The trouble is, that is not how Brits like to say sorry. They like to apologize before every statement of personal need, whether it’s a trip to the bathroom or taking their turn in a revolving door. They’ll apologize for falling asleep, apologize for waking up, apologize for being hungry, apologize for being full.

And this is driven by awkwardness and panic, because if they don’t do it, there’s a chance a complete stranger might think the worse of them—on even the most spurious of grounds—and that would simply never do. Should that person find needless apologies annoying too, well, things are only going to escalate.

Here are just some of the many situations for which British people will find the need to say sorry:

When forced to brush past a man on a train who is sitting with his legs far apart, as if his genitals are swollen and potentially explosive.

When boiling the kettle in a shared kitchen and finding out there isn’t enough water for the person who has only just walked into the room to make tea.

Having been smacked in the face by the arm of a tall man who has suddenly pointed at something across the street.

Having to interrupt a stranger’s day to tell her she has dropped her phone on the floor.

Just before hanging up after having been cold-called at home, during an important family meal, by a company selling an unwanted product or service.

Having been barged into by someone who is (a) drunk and (b) flailing his arms around and (c) walking backward.

When confronting a stranger who has suddenly appeared in the garden.

When walking down a narrow corridor and noticing someone at the other end, waiting to let them pass. The apology comes after a brief period of walking with comically exaggerated effort and pretend speed, as if to prove no dawdling is taking place.

When waiting patiently at the end of a narrow corridor for the person already walking down it, especially when this has caused the other person to pretend to speed up.

When arriving at a reserved airplane, theater, or train seat, only to find someone already sitting in it.

When seeing a doctor about a hugely painful or debilitating condition.

When arriving last for a meeting or social gathering, even if it has not yet started.

When crying while talking to a friend about an upsetting situation.

When listening to a friend tearfully talk about an upsetting situation.

When paying for a small, inexpensive item with a twenty-pound note. Especially before 10:00 A.M.

When telling the stranger who has just asked them for a light that they do not smoke.

When walking into an inanimate object, such as a postbox (see: Phone Boxes).

When a conversation has finished, to the mutual enjoyment and benefit of both participants, followed some hours later by a slowly rising sense of horror at one throwaway comment that clearly was not offensive at all in context, and yet could still be taken completely the wrong way, necessitating a slightly panicked text message to, apologize for the comment and then, apologize for the apology.

Note: None of this means that Brits go out of their way to avoid doing things for which they should be genuinely sorry. Far from it.

WHAT TO SAY: “That’s perfectly all right. Good day to you.”

WHAT NOT TO SAY: “No, it was all my fault. If anything, I should be the one to apologize.”

Pubs, Inns, Bars, and Taverns ■

Your friendly local (assuming you are from around here).

Whether they go there to play darts or catch up with mates, whether it’s a stop-off on the way home from work or a night out after a hard week, the British have placed pubs at the center of their cultural existence. It’s not a coincidence that all British soaps have a prominent pub where the characters meet. In Coronation Street it’s the Rovers Return, in Emmerdale it’s the Woolpack, in EastEnders it’s the Queen Victoria, and in Hollyoaks it’s the Dog in the Pond.

A good pub will serve a multiplicity of purposes and yet often look as if it is doing nothing more than providing a respite from the rain and the rushing about outside. Pubs, even pubs in the center of major cities, are community hubs, places for large groups of people to exchange local news, keep up with their neighbors, and celebrate their significant events—whether that’s a birth, a sporting event, a wedding, or a wake. Lots of tiny villages in remote areas will be able to keep a pub going, sometimes even two, far longer than they can keep a shop. And that’s not necessarily because of the inherent drinkiness of British culture (although it certainly isn’t because of the inherent sobrietude of British culture either); a good pub is a place where time stops. It’s a place to hatch plans, a place to gather forces, a place to be among people, and also a place to observe people.

The classic British pub is slightly dark and feels like a living room with aspirations to entertain. It’s not the sort of place where you want to spend too long examining the carpet—if there is one—and the toilets are not for loitering in. If you’ve seen the drinking establishments in the movies Withnail & I and An American Werewolf in London, those places are definitely pubs. A pub is a very different place from a bar. A bar is like a pub for young people; it’s a place to become drunk at speed, not nurse a half and read the paper. It will have sharply worded slogans on the wall, and mirrors in strange places, and maybe ceiling fans and chrome trimmings. The beer may be bottled or in jugs, but it won’t be stacked up in casks, and there won’t be named tankards for regular customers to use. There will, however, be shots: lots and lots (and lots) of shots. Because of this, the British reputation for binge drinking feels a bit more like a bar thing than a pub thing.

On the other hand, the British reputation for fights in pub car parks or managing seven out of ten in a pub crawl and waking up facedown in a skip is all pub.

Where were we? Oh, yes, interior décor. A pub—even a recently refurbished one—is saggier than a bar. It’s comfy like Granddad’s armchair and most often decked out in dark wood. It’ll have chrome on the beer taps and mirrors behind the bar (to make the stock look more plentiful), but it’s a less zingy place and, in some communities, those pewter tankards hanging over the stacked glasses can go back generations within the same family. Pubs don’t strain so hard for your attention while you’re talking to your friends or sitting quietly with your pint. Their natural resting atmosphere is more muted, although clearly plenty of singing and shouting take place, given time. People go to pubs to play games—darts, dominoes, snooker, and various tabletop amusements like shove ha’penny and skittles—or make music; play the gambling machines (perfectly legal in all pubs and motorway service stations); sell dodgy electrical goods, cheap cigarettes, and fake designer clothes from the boot of their car; or just talk. They don’t go to watch telly (unless there’s a really important football match on).

Then there are inns and taverns. An inn is, for all practical purposes, a pub that can provide food and lodging overnight. Now that most pubs also serve food, the differentiation between the two is getting harder to spot. Taverns are indistinguishable from pubs, apart from certain legal statutes that no longer affect the patrons. And it’s not uncommon to see places called the Tavern Inn, to add further confusion to affairs. If you see a sign outside saying “Free House,” that doesn’t mean the drinks are being given away or that you get a free house; it’s a term used to describe a pub that is unaffiliated to one brewery and is therefore able to sell a range of ales (see: Real Ale).

Before smoking was banned in 2007, all pubs had a particular smell: a warm and slightly damp fug of hops and grown-ups and fag-ash and sour aftershave that could have been bottled and sold as the very essence of a British boozer (a term which refers to the pub, not someone drinking inside). It’s the kind of smell that takes grown-ups back to being children, waiting on a bench in the garden for two hours with a bottle of Coke, a waxy straw, and a packet of crisps.

Now, with the smoke cleared and all the sharp edges restored to the eyes, pubs seem somehow a little colder, even during gasping summer or with a roaring fire in the hearth. And of course every pub now has a small gang of furtive smokers just outside. So you get an early sniff of that pub smell on the way in, and then you walk through it and it’s gone, like the skipping ghost of childhood.

Naturally this is going to recede as a problem over time, and it is certainly not worth reinstating smoking—with the attendant health risks—just so people can retain a whiff of the old days. Not that this will stop smokers campaigning for the right to spark up indoors again, but it’s hard to see how to keep everyone happy. It’s a smell, after all. The people who nostalgically want it aren’t the ones who are risking their lives making it, and the people who are making it can’t get the benefit of it in the first place, due to all the smoking. And that’s before we seek the opinions of the people who neither want it nor make it. So no matter how kindly smokers may offer to throw themselves on their lighters for the common good, that scent is best left where it is, in the past, unless the pub is particularly old and grotty and you’ve sat down too quickly on the upholstery.

WHAT TO SAY: “A pint of the usual, please, Brian.”

WHAT NOT TO SAY: “Do you do cocktails?”

The Shipping Forecast ■

I’m writing this on a very special day in British broadcasting history. Today is May 30, 2014; the day one of the cornerstones of British life suffered a little wobble. It’s the only day in ninety years that there hasn’t been a shipping forecast on BBC Radio 4. There has been a technical fault, nothing disastrous in one sense, but still an unsettling shaking of the schedule.

This might seem like a melodramatic response to what is surely a minor hiccup in broadcasting, but the shipping forecast occupies a particularly resonant position in the audio landscape of British life. It has been broadcast four times a day—12:48 A.M., 5:20 A.M., 12:01 P.M., and 5:54 P.M.—since 1924, with the same calming litany of weather conditions in the offshore areas immediately around the British Isles, incomprehensible to most people, but still utterly bewitching.

And it’s not just a matter of people deriving pleasure from something designed to be a valuable service. BBC Radio 4 is the sole British radio station that would continue to broadcast in the event of a nuclear strike. The shipping forecast is therefore the most trusted broadcast from the most trusted broadcaster in the entire nation, and the fun part of this is that most people listening still have very little idea of what is actually being said.

To illustrate this point, this is an extract from a recent forecast. Just imagine it being read slowly and clearly in a stern but not unfriendly voice, as if it were a modernist poem by Dylan Thomas.

“North Utsire, South Utsire: Northerly or northwesterly five or six, occasionally seven for a time. Moderate. Fair. Good.

“West Forties, Cromarty: Variable four, becoming southerly four or five later. Slight. Fog patches. Moderate, occasionally very poor.

“Forth, Tyne, Southwest Dogger: Southwesterly four or five, becoming variable four. Slight. Fair. Moderate or good.”

It has a certain something, doesn’t it? The endless mild adjectives suggesting either clear waters or potential trouble ahead; the evocative names like Dogger and Cromarty; the sense that this is important information, that those numbers probably mean something that could be the difference between life and death for those traversing the dark seas. Whether you personally know the science behind each word or not is immaterial, and that’s the emotive heart of the thing. It’s like being at Bletchley Park during the war and hearing coded naval messages without the key, and letting the mind wander as to where they will be received and what sort of condition the ships will be in when they finally arrive.

As such, the 12:48 forecast in particular has taken the form of a late-night lullaby for Radio 4 listeners; one that evokes the long seafaring history of an island nation, but delivered with the poetic grace of a magical incantation.

That’s why Damon Albarn of Blur, when stuck on his first long and painful American tour, playing empty halls and drunkenly bickering with his bandmates, would tune in to the shipping forecast just to feel the security and pull of home once again. He later translated that dislocated feeling (and a good portion of the magical words from the shipping forecast itself) into “This Is a Low,” a song that delivers much of the forecast’s fathomless magic, floating upon deep and stormy musical waters.

And should any other significant events pop up at the same time as the shipping forecast—England winning the Ashes in 2011, for example (see: Cricket)—the expectation is that they will just have to wait. The last, winning ball actually went unheard by listeners, but the shipping forecast continued, as it always does.

That’s what makes the events of this morning so uncommon, to the extent that there have been newspaper stories about the missing transmission. Granted, the fuss is nowhere near as big as that surrounding the 1995 plan to move that midnight bulletin by twelve minutes. That was a colossal hoo-ha that involved petitions, scathing newspaper editorials, and eventually questions being asked in Parliament. In fact, the only similar breach of service in Radio 4’s history occurred in 2010, when a forecast was read out that was already twenty-four hours old.

And people noticed. That’s the point.

The best description of the peculiar charms in this very British institution came courtesy of a 2012 BBC News interview with Zeb Soanes, one of a team of people who read the shipping forecast every day. He described it as “vital information first and poetry incidentally.”

That’s not to suggest that it is not poetry, you’ll notice, just that it is not trying to be.

WHAT TO SAY: “Cromarty, Biscay, Lundy, and Fisher sounds like a ’70s folk-rock act.”

WHAT NOT TO SAY: “Dude, that stuff’s all on the Internet now, isn’t it?”

Saucy Seaside Postcards ■

It may seem like a deliberately glib way to crowbar an old song into a new conversation, but the British honestly really do like to be beside the seaside. Oh, they do like to be beside the sea. And this is because they live on a tall, thin island with sharp edges at every extreme. The sea is never too far away, even at the very middle of the widest part of central England, and there are coastal resorts—from the cheap and cheerful to the quiet and refined—within easy reach of everyone. And so for most British people, arranging to be beside the seaside (beside the sea) has never involved much more than a short train, coach, or car journey. Consequently a series of common holiday traditions and customs have grown up around the British seaside that perhaps would not exist in coastal regions of other parts of the world.

For example, if you’re on a beach—any beach—you’ll probably appreciate a shop that sells ice cream and cold drinks, inflatable items of the sort you could take into the water, and some play tools for the children: buckets, spades, and some of those plastic sand-shaping devices that look like little jelly molds. Maybe some knickknacks made from seashells, arranged into the shape of a heart you can hang on the wall, and some cheap flip-flops and expensive sun cream and spare swimming costumes and sunglasses. Or, at a push, a decorative vial of sand.

That’s the sensible stuff. Quite why anyone would want a long pink stick of mint-flavored candy on a hot day—it’s called rock, although it’s not the same as rock candy, being more like a thick, porous candy cane—is anyone’s guess. It does have the name of the resort running all the way through it, which is a remarkable feat and guarantees sales for people wanting decent (and cheap) homecoming gifts for friends and relatives. But that’s not the real reason why sticks of rock have become such a seaside staple.

The real reason, I suspect, lies in that other grand old British seaside custom, making lewd and suggestive comments. In among the “Kiss Me Quick, Squeeze Me Slow” hats and the “Keep Calm and Kiss Me Quick” T-shirts will be a rack of suspiciously old-fashioned postcards showing red-faced men, rotund matrons, and buxom young ladies wearing next to nothing. There’s the newlyweds arriving at a guest house on a cold and rainy night, being greeted by a friendly lady who says to the wife, “Do come in, you must be dying to get something hot inside you, my dear,” or the young woman watching a strutting Scottish man on a street corner and whispering to her friend, “They say that’s the reason he wears an extra-long kilt,” or the red-faced colonel who meets a bikini-clad and buxom young mother with a young boy hanging off each hand and says, “You’ve got a couple of nice handfuls.”

Nudist camps feature heavily in seaside postcards too, not least because of the ripe possibility for saucy misunderstandings about things being too small, too big, unsatisfying, hot and spicy, big and fruity, all that stuff. The redheaded man who bends over to light the stove for a cup of tea while his wife clutches a hand to her head and exclaims, “Ginger nuts! I knew I’d forgotten something!”

And that’s the old-fashioned stuff. For more modern sexy holiday keepsakes, there are postcards showing mouse and cat faces drawn in make-up upon naked breasts, that kind of thing. Oh, and sweets in the shape of genitals. These are the items British folk traditionally send back home to make people think they’re having a proper knees-up, the kind of randy, boozy, hoorah holiday that would make anyone jealous, despite it being apparent to everyone involved that they’ve spent their time glued to a slot machine (not a euphemism, oddly) in Cleethorpes and it’s been raining, again.

The curious thing about these postcards is they’re looked upon with utter affection, as a harmless and charming relic of a sillier time. There’s a collector’s market for them; books are devoted to them. Long after the demise of the Punch and Judy tents, the donkey rides, the tuppenny waterfalls, and the deck chair attendants, you’ll still be able to find a postcard with a caption like “Just married, it sticks out a mile.” And the phallic stick of rock fits into this overengorged and giggly mentality like, well, a throbbing prong in a moist crevice.


Stuff Brits Like: A Guide to What's Great About Great Britain, by Fraser McAlpine

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Most helpful customer reviews

6 of 6 people found the following review helpful. Guidebook for perplexed Anglophiles By wabbajack Let's face it, most Anglophile books are by Americans who are fortunate enough to marry Brits, settle down in the UK, and then write about their culture shock for us jealous folk back home. This book, however, is by a genuine born-and-raised Briton out to explain and translate the more esoteric bits of British culture, custom, folklore, pop culture, and history for outsiders. It is a necessary guidebook for the most studied Anglophile, because no matter how much you think you know based on all the BBC shows you've watched on PBS, food you've eaten, music you've listened to, and books you've read, the harsh truth is that you're not part of the very insular British clique by a long shot. After reading the delightful McAlpine's take on British minutiae, you will at least feel like you got a good peek into the inner sanctum and rather a good giggle too.

0 of 0 people found the following review helpful. Five Stars By Neil An excellent, insightful and very entertaining read indeed... 5 stars!

0 of 0 people found the following review helpful. Fun book By H. Girman Easy, fun reading. Short chapters lets you read it here and there.

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Stuff Brits Like: A Guide to What's Great About Great Britain, by Fraser McAlpine
Stuff Brits Like: A Guide to What's Great About Great Britain, by Fraser McAlpine